What led up to all of this? , what was the reason behind all of this, and why share your tao with us?
We often question in our own lives what it is to love, and often times more importantly, what it is to be loved, I thought I knew this all once, back when I was a diffrent person, when I thought I knew alot more than I know now, and was naive enough to believe that love could survive on will alone.
Even now, years after she left my life, she still haunts my memories, and rightfully so, she was my first real perception of love, and I was on cloud nine. Terri, a supposed angel, she came up from behind out of nowhere and changed my entire perception of people, she made me believe. For the first time in my life, I believed that were honest, decent people in real life not just the movies, she had that kind of power and I was foolish enough to believe in it. We dated for months, and she would become a key point of my life, however like all good things in life, they have a tendency to change on you.
Enter Andy. Andy came up from nowhere in high school, he was so much like myself that it was frightening, he was bright idealistic, and most importantly, he questioned life. He was ready for the next step in his own life, and for this reason we became close friends. But while a puritan on the surface, Andy like so many people in this world wore a mask. The masks we where, hide our true nature from the world, and in such make people believe we are something that we are not. I wanted Andy to be my Peter, my prophet, the one who would continue on after me, but instead he was my Judas. He saw what was of most valuable to me, and he made his move. Terri the woman I loved, left me for my supposed best friend, and I stood in time, a broken and spiritless man.
They would break-up and stop talking to each other less than a week later, but the damage between us was far to extensive to just kiss and makeup, she began a life of her own, one where I didn't fit in the picture, and one in which she would choose to not even remain friends. This is when I think I died inside. I immediately began doing poorly in school, I sat at home living in my own self defeat, and watched as a woman I loved, a pure innocent human being, began a downward spiral of substance abuse, and self destructive behavior that led her to the arms of a man who would abuse her and leave her when she was most vulnerable. Dorian was the opposite of everything that I was, and I feel thats what drew her to him in the first place, the fact he was everything to her I wasn't.
I would continue a path of uncertainty, until the day I walked through the doors of a Doctor by the name of Drina Madden, a woman who would help me change my life, and ultimately teach me what I had forgotten, that who I was, and more importantly what I was capable of, is the only thing I should be concerned with, that my life is to be lived for me, and if she would even think about leaving me for Andy, that she didnt share the intensity of our love in the first place. At that moment Samuel Boyle was reborn, in the glory of my own humanity, I became aware of my strengths, and my weaknesses, and I buried these flaws in my own psyche, I refused to acknowledge the world outside the confines of my own mind and became a one man think tank.
The good Doctor had proven what people had told me my entire life, that I was an intellect on par with members of Menza, and that my mind was my weapon against the world, that I was going to be able to continue living in spite of it all, because my will to live, and ultimately the desire and drive I had to succeed. I matured mentally almost overnight, I abandoned my friends, and began a new life surrounding myself with the brilliant minds present around me. Jai Kang, Joseph Bauml, Matt Thorns, Justin Stubbs, men like these would become the salvation that I was denied, they were people who shared my gifts, and most importantly the ability to realize the flaws present in this world. Now don't believe for a second that I was or am some pussy goth kid who bitches about how the world is just pain, these men and I share a common ability to see the world for what it really is, and have the resources and drive nessecary to change these flaws. In several short months I rose in the academic world, laying my place among the chosen, and in turn, seperating myself into the faction of people who had a future.
What would define me as a person at this time in my life would be several key facts, First that I now denied the notions of sex and more importantly love to enter my thought process. Now statistics say that the average male thinks about sex thousands of times a day, by turning that whole aspect of my mind off, I had achieved the clarity that I had been searching for. Next I began to only associate myself with people with the drive, ambitions, and the means to achieve thier dreams. If you had no direction then you would have no place in the grand future I was planning.
I picked a college sophmore year and was accepted early and with great expectations. I became better friends with people parents, those who could actually benefit me, and by the time I was a senior, I had achieved a high paying distinguished job with a local police department. This cemented my goals of self defintion, but not without sacrifice. In order to secure a future with the department, I had to make tough choices, one of which was to hand my friends over in order to prove where my loyalities rode.
Scott was a close friend to me, and was instrumental in the days that led up to this, but he like andy became corrupt, and his self indulgence and care free behavior allowed me to seal his fate, in a brief instant, I gave him up, and havent looked back since, his corruption and those like him, could not, and would not stop me from achieving my goals. I was emotionless, I was brilliant, and most of all, I was detached from the world, making me in my own right advantaged over those who would defy my will.
Soon after graduation I began a new experience in UIC were I again surrounded myself with people who had what it takes to make thier dreams happen, but people who like me, were pure in existence, people whoses goals and behavior could not or would not be derailed by the actions of others. I had found my element and have remained thier until now, serving myself and the few others worthy enough to hold my trust.
Enter Stephanie. I swore long ago that Terri would be the end, that her betrayal and refusal to accept the future I had offered her, one in which her every desires could have been fulfilled, and one in which she would live in comfort and peace, would prevent me from allowing a member of the fairer sex from clouding my senses, but stephanie is diffrent.
she like me, is driven by her will, she is both sweet in demenor and appearance and possesses wisdom beyond her years, and the ability to apply that wisdom to her life, and she is fiercely loyal to those close to her, but what make her desireable is her ability to be ruthless. Now shes not a raging psycho or anything, but she has what it takes to make it in this life, she knows what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it, and for this reason she will survive.
She has acceptance to her top pick law school, and is already planning her future, she is ahead of the pack and is in no way loosing steam. I am at a loss for words when I see her, I have to ask myself everytime I'm near her, if I can bring myself to talk to her. She is everything Terri wasnt and can never be, wise, determined, and most importantly aware of these things. Her beauty is only matched by her spirit and I would dare say that she boarders beyond facination with me, I can say that I love her for this, and for the first time, I have met someone worthty enough to share what I have built, and what I can offer, and she sees this too.
However she is still with another man, a person who she cares for deeply and could never betray. I only love her more for this, and I can see that she is also loyal unlike Terri who would abandon me in the midst of everything that we shared. I could never ask her to ruin her happiness to be with me, and for this reason I choose to watch and admire her from afar, in the hopes that someday she will be mine.
Until that day I wait, and If Im anything at all, I'm patient, and I will wait forever if I have to, but if you can do the impossible and make me believe again, and this time lay the proof down, you can be damn well sure that Im going to love you and never let you go.
We often question in our own lives what it is to love, and often times more importantly, what it is to be loved, I thought I knew this all once, back when I was a diffrent person, when I thought I knew alot more than I know now, and was naive enough to believe that love could survive on will alone.
Even now, years after she left my life, she still haunts my memories, and rightfully so, she was my first real perception of love, and I was on cloud nine. Terri, a supposed angel, she came up from behind out of nowhere and changed my entire perception of people, she made me believe. For the first time in my life, I believed that were honest, decent people in real life not just the movies, she had that kind of power and I was foolish enough to believe in it. We dated for months, and she would become a key point of my life, however like all good things in life, they have a tendency to change on you.
Enter Andy. Andy came up from nowhere in high school, he was so much like myself that it was frightening, he was bright idealistic, and most importantly, he questioned life. He was ready for the next step in his own life, and for this reason we became close friends. But while a puritan on the surface, Andy like so many people in this world wore a mask. The masks we where, hide our true nature from the world, and in such make people believe we are something that we are not. I wanted Andy to be my Peter, my prophet, the one who would continue on after me, but instead he was my Judas. He saw what was of most valuable to me, and he made his move. Terri the woman I loved, left me for my supposed best friend, and I stood in time, a broken and spiritless man.
They would break-up and stop talking to each other less than a week later, but the damage between us was far to extensive to just kiss and makeup, she began a life of her own, one where I didn't fit in the picture, and one in which she would choose to not even remain friends. This is when I think I died inside. I immediately began doing poorly in school, I sat at home living in my own self defeat, and watched as a woman I loved, a pure innocent human being, began a downward spiral of substance abuse, and self destructive behavior that led her to the arms of a man who would abuse her and leave her when she was most vulnerable. Dorian was the opposite of everything that I was, and I feel thats what drew her to him in the first place, the fact he was everything to her I wasn't.
I would continue a path of uncertainty, until the day I walked through the doors of a Doctor by the name of Drina Madden, a woman who would help me change my life, and ultimately teach me what I had forgotten, that who I was, and more importantly what I was capable of, is the only thing I should be concerned with, that my life is to be lived for me, and if she would even think about leaving me for Andy, that she didnt share the intensity of our love in the first place. At that moment Samuel Boyle was reborn, in the glory of my own humanity, I became aware of my strengths, and my weaknesses, and I buried these flaws in my own psyche, I refused to acknowledge the world outside the confines of my own mind and became a one man think tank.
The good Doctor had proven what people had told me my entire life, that I was an intellect on par with members of Menza, and that my mind was my weapon against the world, that I was going to be able to continue living in spite of it all, because my will to live, and ultimately the desire and drive I had to succeed. I matured mentally almost overnight, I abandoned my friends, and began a new life surrounding myself with the brilliant minds present around me. Jai Kang, Joseph Bauml, Matt Thorns, Justin Stubbs, men like these would become the salvation that I was denied, they were people who shared my gifts, and most importantly the ability to realize the flaws present in this world. Now don't believe for a second that I was or am some pussy goth kid who bitches about how the world is just pain, these men and I share a common ability to see the world for what it really is, and have the resources and drive nessecary to change these flaws. In several short months I rose in the academic world, laying my place among the chosen, and in turn, seperating myself into the faction of people who had a future.
What would define me as a person at this time in my life would be several key facts, First that I now denied the notions of sex and more importantly love to enter my thought process. Now statistics say that the average male thinks about sex thousands of times a day, by turning that whole aspect of my mind off, I had achieved the clarity that I had been searching for. Next I began to only associate myself with people with the drive, ambitions, and the means to achieve thier dreams. If you had no direction then you would have no place in the grand future I was planning.
I picked a college sophmore year and was accepted early and with great expectations. I became better friends with people parents, those who could actually benefit me, and by the time I was a senior, I had achieved a high paying distinguished job with a local police department. This cemented my goals of self defintion, but not without sacrifice. In order to secure a future with the department, I had to make tough choices, one of which was to hand my friends over in order to prove where my loyalities rode.
Scott was a close friend to me, and was instrumental in the days that led up to this, but he like andy became corrupt, and his self indulgence and care free behavior allowed me to seal his fate, in a brief instant, I gave him up, and havent looked back since, his corruption and those like him, could not, and would not stop me from achieving my goals. I was emotionless, I was brilliant, and most of all, I was detached from the world, making me in my own right advantaged over those who would defy my will.
Soon after graduation I began a new experience in UIC were I again surrounded myself with people who had what it takes to make thier dreams happen, but people who like me, were pure in existence, people whoses goals and behavior could not or would not be derailed by the actions of others. I had found my element and have remained thier until now, serving myself and the few others worthy enough to hold my trust.
Enter Stephanie. I swore long ago that Terri would be the end, that her betrayal and refusal to accept the future I had offered her, one in which her every desires could have been fulfilled, and one in which she would live in comfort and peace, would prevent me from allowing a member of the fairer sex from clouding my senses, but stephanie is diffrent.
she like me, is driven by her will, she is both sweet in demenor and appearance and possesses wisdom beyond her years, and the ability to apply that wisdom to her life, and she is fiercely loyal to those close to her, but what make her desireable is her ability to be ruthless. Now shes not a raging psycho or anything, but she has what it takes to make it in this life, she knows what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it, and for this reason she will survive.
She has acceptance to her top pick law school, and is already planning her future, she is ahead of the pack and is in no way loosing steam. I am at a loss for words when I see her, I have to ask myself everytime I'm near her, if I can bring myself to talk to her. She is everything Terri wasnt and can never be, wise, determined, and most importantly aware of these things. Her beauty is only matched by her spirit and I would dare say that she boarders beyond facination with me, I can say that I love her for this, and for the first time, I have met someone worthty enough to share what I have built, and what I can offer, and she sees this too.
However she is still with another man, a person who she cares for deeply and could never betray. I only love her more for this, and I can see that she is also loyal unlike Terri who would abandon me in the midst of everything that we shared. I could never ask her to ruin her happiness to be with me, and for this reason I choose to watch and admire her from afar, in the hopes that someday she will be mine.
Until that day I wait, and If Im anything at all, I'm patient, and I will wait forever if I have to, but if you can do the impossible and make me believe again, and this time lay the proof down, you can be damn well sure that Im going to love you and never let you go.
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