[ Sat Apr 10, 09:44:29 PM | Samuel Boyle | edit ]
Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.
Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only weblog, February 16, 2004
I think back to the evil I have caused, and my utter indiffrence to it, evil I cause not for a need to lash out or because I feel hatred in my heart, but because my good nature, or my supposed good nature often comes back to bite me in the ass and I suffer because of it.
If I concern myself with the problems of others, I can forgive myself for squalling away my life. However often when I step in and solve these problems, no matter how pure or simple my solution is, I feel a blow back because of it.
The greatest problem stems from my need to solve the relationship woes of my friends. I feel that we function better as a team, and for that reason I make every effort to keep us as that, when these women enter my friends lives, I feel a seperation that kills a part of me inside. I immediately see the flaws in these women and seek to exploit them, more over I resent them publicly. I ask myself why, because even if I know thier awful for my friends and they kind of see it too, why do I feel compelled to interupt thier happiness?
I think it's because Im a asshole, I got burned once and I feel pain, anger, and frustration that I need to share with the world, and while I have the best of intentions, I feel the need to impose life lessons on them, even though they should experience them for themselves. Matt and Joe realised that thier one and only someone, wasn't the ray of sunshine they thought they were, even though I told them months if not years earlier, and Steve learned that same lesson with a gal he met down the road, but these relationships took them away from me, and weakend the bonds that we shared. I trust these men with my life and for such reasons, I feel a need to "help" them make descisions. Meanwhile people like Stubbs still search out there and find the answers, but why do I try and find the answers for them?
Why am I compelled to steer the lives of those around me? because I see a future that I don't feel they are capable of providing for themselves without my direction and I feel like an asshole because of it. I wanted at least at one time to spend fridays in a dim basement getting drunk with these guys sharing stories of the good old days well into my 80's but that doesn't look like a possibility anymore. I think that these guys have finally wised up and have got tired of my shit, and I feel that my darkest days are ahead of me.
But as strange as that seems or bleak as that sounds, I accept that and am comfortable with it. I have said before that the only truth that exists in life, the only thing we have to believe in, is what we choose to believe in. I believe that in my supposed ignorance, Im supposed to feel guilt, but I don't, and that doesn't surprise me either, because I really haven't "felt" anything in awhile, I died inside sometime after I graduated high school, and since then, I only can see the worst in people and in the world, but for what thats worth, I love it, because I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life, I realised that if people don't care for me as a person fuck 'em, if people have a problem with me or my views fuck 'em, because I don't tap dance and jag off for anyone, and I have grown tired of being the voice of reason because my concern now is Sam Fucking Boyle.
and if I'm a burden, if I'm an asshole because I feel that when I make a judgement call people should listen to me like whatever comes out of my mouth should be taken as the word of god, oh well, tra la la de fucking da, because I'm in touch with my humanity, I know what I am and what I am capable of, I love these people like brothers and sisters, but I will not hold hands and guide people , they need to make the tough choices for themselves. I realise that not many so called life philosophies deal with self glorification, but thats what this is about now, it's about grabbing life by the horns and skull fucking the shit out of it, because you can't allow yourselves to be denied, you have to understand that it's not what you give in life, its what you take from life, and I take the understanding that we are a flawed species with the ticking time bomb of genetic death over our heads, and if we spend our lives waiting for other people to validate our life, we will have wasted it, the rule of thumb is don't shit were you eat, you leave your problems at the door, your young, your idealistic, your relationships and experiences are going to change like the weather who fucking cares, in another 80 years your going to be dead anyway right, live life for yourself, and make every second count, because unlike other things in life, thier are do-overs.
I want to close with a poem that has deep meaning to me, and will hopefully help you understand that if anyone tries to rob you of life experiences, it's time to start digging the hole, because this big blue marble is spinning fast and the rides gonna end sooner or later be prepared for the aftershock.
A Poison Tree
William Blake
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree
Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.
Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only weblog, February 16, 2004
I think back to the evil I have caused, and my utter indiffrence to it, evil I cause not for a need to lash out or because I feel hatred in my heart, but because my good nature, or my supposed good nature often comes back to bite me in the ass and I suffer because of it.
If I concern myself with the problems of others, I can forgive myself for squalling away my life. However often when I step in and solve these problems, no matter how pure or simple my solution is, I feel a blow back because of it.
The greatest problem stems from my need to solve the relationship woes of my friends. I feel that we function better as a team, and for that reason I make every effort to keep us as that, when these women enter my friends lives, I feel a seperation that kills a part of me inside. I immediately see the flaws in these women and seek to exploit them, more over I resent them publicly. I ask myself why, because even if I know thier awful for my friends and they kind of see it too, why do I feel compelled to interupt thier happiness?
I think it's because Im a asshole, I got burned once and I feel pain, anger, and frustration that I need to share with the world, and while I have the best of intentions, I feel the need to impose life lessons on them, even though they should experience them for themselves. Matt and Joe realised that thier one and only someone, wasn't the ray of sunshine they thought they were, even though I told them months if not years earlier, and Steve learned that same lesson with a gal he met down the road, but these relationships took them away from me, and weakend the bonds that we shared. I trust these men with my life and for such reasons, I feel a need to "help" them make descisions. Meanwhile people like Stubbs still search out there and find the answers, but why do I try and find the answers for them?
Why am I compelled to steer the lives of those around me? because I see a future that I don't feel they are capable of providing for themselves without my direction and I feel like an asshole because of it. I wanted at least at one time to spend fridays in a dim basement getting drunk with these guys sharing stories of the good old days well into my 80's but that doesn't look like a possibility anymore. I think that these guys have finally wised up and have got tired of my shit, and I feel that my darkest days are ahead of me.
But as strange as that seems or bleak as that sounds, I accept that and am comfortable with it. I have said before that the only truth that exists in life, the only thing we have to believe in, is what we choose to believe in. I believe that in my supposed ignorance, Im supposed to feel guilt, but I don't, and that doesn't surprise me either, because I really haven't "felt" anything in awhile, I died inside sometime after I graduated high school, and since then, I only can see the worst in people and in the world, but for what thats worth, I love it, because I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life, I realised that if people don't care for me as a person fuck 'em, if people have a problem with me or my views fuck 'em, because I don't tap dance and jag off for anyone, and I have grown tired of being the voice of reason because my concern now is Sam Fucking Boyle.
and if I'm a burden, if I'm an asshole because I feel that when I make a judgement call people should listen to me like whatever comes out of my mouth should be taken as the word of god, oh well, tra la la de fucking da, because I'm in touch with my humanity, I know what I am and what I am capable of, I love these people like brothers and sisters, but I will not hold hands and guide people , they need to make the tough choices for themselves. I realise that not many so called life philosophies deal with self glorification, but thats what this is about now, it's about grabbing life by the horns and skull fucking the shit out of it, because you can't allow yourselves to be denied, you have to understand that it's not what you give in life, its what you take from life, and I take the understanding that we are a flawed species with the ticking time bomb of genetic death over our heads, and if we spend our lives waiting for other people to validate our life, we will have wasted it, the rule of thumb is don't shit were you eat, you leave your problems at the door, your young, your idealistic, your relationships and experiences are going to change like the weather who fucking cares, in another 80 years your going to be dead anyway right, live life for yourself, and make every second count, because unlike other things in life, thier are do-overs.
I want to close with a poem that has deep meaning to me, and will hopefully help you understand that if anyone tries to rob you of life experiences, it's time to start digging the hole, because this big blue marble is spinning fast and the rides gonna end sooner or later be prepared for the aftershock.
A Poison Tree
William Blake
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home