Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.
Anton Chekhov (1860 - 1904), O Magazine, February 2004
Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
Iris Murdoch (1919 - 1999)
I stated in the past, that when Terri left, she took a part of me, possibly the best part, with her, and what I had left, was a bitter twisted old man that I have shown the world. I feel in my heart a longing, I want to be with someone, but at the same time, I can't stand to be. I think I have finally realised that I'm afraid to love someone, that I'm truly living in my own shadow and it's the only thing holding me back. After Terri or #1 as we like to call her, came #2 Jackie, a true sweetheart and a girl who loved me so selflessly, that in the end I realsied that I wasn't over Terri, I couldn't love her at the time the way she loved me, and In the end, I had to bring myself to love her enough to let her go, she is a beautiful, wonderful person and the man she started dating after me, she is still seeing it's been 6 years now, and she's still going strong, and I couldn't be happier, she found a man who is capable of loving her the way she deserves, and while she told me I broke her heart, I know that in time her future happiness will allow her to forgive me. After Jackie came Colleen, this girl who while I cared about, she made choice that made it impossible for me to continue seeing her, this is an end result I feel no pain over, at the time I was gunning to get my foot in the door with the police, and nothing was going to hold me back, her friends and choice of lifestyle wouldn't bring me down, I left without ever saying goodbye, I sent her a letter and layed it all out. After Colleen came a ray of sunshine, Candice, while my fling with her lastest only a short while, I realised that she was just the flavor of the month, she and I were like fire and water, we just didn't mix, and we both saw it, so we parted ways.
Six months later, I realised the error of my ways. While my infatuation and relationship with Terri grew, I totally ignored the fact that a close friend, a woman who I view as my intellectual superior, came out and told me she had feelings for me that she harbored since grade school. She told me that she hated seeing me with Terri, because she knew from day one, minute one, the end result of our relationship could only be failure, other than each other, Terri and I had ignored the world, caused a rift in our friends and family, and ultimately came to forget each other in ways we never thought we would. After the confession of Amber, I told her that her wisdom far exceeded her age, that the truth espicallly the one that she layed on me while hard to swallow is always right, and her only option now, was to except all that I have done and said, and allow me the honor of treating her the way I should have all along. Now this was the greatest and worst choice I had made in awhile. We had always been friends, and quiet but playful academic rivals, but she had a drive I could never understand, she had a thirst for knowledge that no amount of water could ever quench, and she and I, I can truly say, belonged together. She and I could talk for hours about meaningful things, discuss the state of the world, and other things that you just couldn't talk to a person who doesn't value wisdom about. She and I remained together for two years, and experienced life in a way that I could never explain, and when she told me, she had a full scholarship to college to study International Relations, I couldn't have been more excited. She was the true future of America, a leader with the wisdom and compassion to lead us to a future we couldn't possibly provide for ourselves, we were just to close minded.
Amber and I parted ways shortly after the start of our freshman year of college, she called me down to visit her at school, and after seeing her life, eating a huge dinner, and meeting her roommates, she took me for coffee at this place near her campus. She told me that the distance, and her future, were pulling her away from me, that she had a destiny to fill, and she didn't know where I fit into it, and that ultimately, that while she loves me, she has to let me go. Now at the time I flipped, I drive all the way out thier to see her, pay for her friends dinner at this nice restaurant which cost me $300 and then she breaks up wuth ME over a .50 cent cup of coffee. I stormed out, leaving her behind, and drove home, crying, I had lost it again, and this time it hurt. It hurt me worse than Terri leaving because I knew as much as I was upset, she was right, the future had something in store of her that I could be no part of, and I had to except that. She is currently working in Germany for the American Embassy, and is gearing herself up for future political office, I keep track of her, because while she hurt me in a profound way, I loved and do still love her enough to realise that I don't want to be a lead weight around her neck, she needs to fly, she already has the wings, but she can't truly take flight as long as I hold her on the ground begging her not to go.
With Amber gone, I found a match in Nicole, a girl while, sweet, wonderful, and pure, she never really had the one thing that I had been looking for since the days of Terri, drive. She loved me, and god knows I love her, but I was constantly telling her to think about her future, she had a mediocre job, she was barely passing community college, and ultimately, I made that selfish descision, that if I stepped down from my future to escalte hers, she might get a stable job, and pass college, and be ace suzie homemaker, but i would wind up installing dry wall in the homes of people I went to high school with, and that I couldn't allow to happen. She ragged me all the time because I was a workaholic, I had three jobs and I wasn't going to quit any of them, I missed our one year annivesary to stay at work, and she started screaming at me over the phone. I reminded her that I am only a workaholic, because she enjoys spending my money, and thats when a couple who in thier existence as a unified entity, have never fought before, say things to each other they can never take back, and after the awkward exchange of property, she and I haven't talked since, She was important, but not important enough to risk my future with, we had a bitter breakup and that left me where I am now, working on the wonderful Stephanie, and hopeing that this time, with the knowledge gained from these women, the ways they impacted my life, that I will be able to love her the way she deserves, and this time forever.
Anton Chekhov (1860 - 1904), O Magazine, February 2004
Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
Iris Murdoch (1919 - 1999)
I stated in the past, that when Terri left, she took a part of me, possibly the best part, with her, and what I had left, was a bitter twisted old man that I have shown the world. I feel in my heart a longing, I want to be with someone, but at the same time, I can't stand to be. I think I have finally realised that I'm afraid to love someone, that I'm truly living in my own shadow and it's the only thing holding me back. After Terri or #1 as we like to call her, came #2 Jackie, a true sweetheart and a girl who loved me so selflessly, that in the end I realsied that I wasn't over Terri, I couldn't love her at the time the way she loved me, and In the end, I had to bring myself to love her enough to let her go, she is a beautiful, wonderful person and the man she started dating after me, she is still seeing it's been 6 years now, and she's still going strong, and I couldn't be happier, she found a man who is capable of loving her the way she deserves, and while she told me I broke her heart, I know that in time her future happiness will allow her to forgive me. After Jackie came Colleen, this girl who while I cared about, she made choice that made it impossible for me to continue seeing her, this is an end result I feel no pain over, at the time I was gunning to get my foot in the door with the police, and nothing was going to hold me back, her friends and choice of lifestyle wouldn't bring me down, I left without ever saying goodbye, I sent her a letter and layed it all out. After Colleen came a ray of sunshine, Candice, while my fling with her lastest only a short while, I realised that she was just the flavor of the month, she and I were like fire and water, we just didn't mix, and we both saw it, so we parted ways.
Six months later, I realised the error of my ways. While my infatuation and relationship with Terri grew, I totally ignored the fact that a close friend, a woman who I view as my intellectual superior, came out and told me she had feelings for me that she harbored since grade school. She told me that she hated seeing me with Terri, because she knew from day one, minute one, the end result of our relationship could only be failure, other than each other, Terri and I had ignored the world, caused a rift in our friends and family, and ultimately came to forget each other in ways we never thought we would. After the confession of Amber, I told her that her wisdom far exceeded her age, that the truth espicallly the one that she layed on me while hard to swallow is always right, and her only option now, was to except all that I have done and said, and allow me the honor of treating her the way I should have all along. Now this was the greatest and worst choice I had made in awhile. We had always been friends, and quiet but playful academic rivals, but she had a drive I could never understand, she had a thirst for knowledge that no amount of water could ever quench, and she and I, I can truly say, belonged together. She and I could talk for hours about meaningful things, discuss the state of the world, and other things that you just couldn't talk to a person who doesn't value wisdom about. She and I remained together for two years, and experienced life in a way that I could never explain, and when she told me, she had a full scholarship to college to study International Relations, I couldn't have been more excited. She was the true future of America, a leader with the wisdom and compassion to lead us to a future we couldn't possibly provide for ourselves, we were just to close minded.
Amber and I parted ways shortly after the start of our freshman year of college, she called me down to visit her at school, and after seeing her life, eating a huge dinner, and meeting her roommates, she took me for coffee at this place near her campus. She told me that the distance, and her future, were pulling her away from me, that she had a destiny to fill, and she didn't know where I fit into it, and that ultimately, that while she loves me, she has to let me go. Now at the time I flipped, I drive all the way out thier to see her, pay for her friends dinner at this nice restaurant which cost me $300 and then she breaks up wuth ME over a .50 cent cup of coffee. I stormed out, leaving her behind, and drove home, crying, I had lost it again, and this time it hurt. It hurt me worse than Terri leaving because I knew as much as I was upset, she was right, the future had something in store of her that I could be no part of, and I had to except that. She is currently working in Germany for the American Embassy, and is gearing herself up for future political office, I keep track of her, because while she hurt me in a profound way, I loved and do still love her enough to realise that I don't want to be a lead weight around her neck, she needs to fly, she already has the wings, but she can't truly take flight as long as I hold her on the ground begging her not to go.
With Amber gone, I found a match in Nicole, a girl while, sweet, wonderful, and pure, she never really had the one thing that I had been looking for since the days of Terri, drive. She loved me, and god knows I love her, but I was constantly telling her to think about her future, she had a mediocre job, she was barely passing community college, and ultimately, I made that selfish descision, that if I stepped down from my future to escalte hers, she might get a stable job, and pass college, and be ace suzie homemaker, but i would wind up installing dry wall in the homes of people I went to high school with, and that I couldn't allow to happen. She ragged me all the time because I was a workaholic, I had three jobs and I wasn't going to quit any of them, I missed our one year annivesary to stay at work, and she started screaming at me over the phone. I reminded her that I am only a workaholic, because she enjoys spending my money, and thats when a couple who in thier existence as a unified entity, have never fought before, say things to each other they can never take back, and after the awkward exchange of property, she and I haven't talked since, She was important, but not important enough to risk my future with, we had a bitter breakup and that left me where I am now, working on the wonderful Stephanie, and hopeing that this time, with the knowledge gained from these women, the ways they impacted my life, that I will be able to love her the way she deserves, and this time forever.
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