Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The Burdens Of Being Upright

We succeed only as we identify in life, or in war, or in anything else, a single overriding objective, and make all other considerations bend to that one objective.
Dwight D. Eisenhower, speech, April 2, 1957US general & Republican President (1890 - 1969)


My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that 'achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others, and that's nice, too, but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success.'
Helen HayesUS actress (1900 - 1993)


Mid-Terms have ended, and not only did I pass and save my grades, I did quite well, with this past me, I have a week or so to collect myself and my thoughts, and begin turning my attention to finals and next semester. It's becoming clear to me now, that I have survived the first half of college, two years down and now little more than a year and 1/2 to go. But I recently had to sit back and ask myself what I have accomplished in my time spent. It is easy for my to see that I have become wiser, I understand things that escaped me before, and have been able to apply the wisdom gained to all things in my life. Be it recounting my life experience in this blog, or pointing my friends in the direction of self enlightenment, I have come to fully understand the mystery of the self, but my place in the grand scheme of things elludes me. While educated I still wonder what I'm going to do when I leave. But worrying about the future only makes us age faster, at least for the time being, I will attempt to look at the present and reflect on my past.

I decided a long time ago that I would be better, that I would do whatever I felt I had to to make my world, my life, work for me; and because of this my career changes every two years, I remain constantly single, and I put myself at odds with my friends. But these things aside, I have proven to myself, a select few friends, and my professors, that I can deliver proof of my genius, that my plans well constructed and thought out, and that I have the willpower to succeed.

In my pursuit of knowledge, I have studied mathmatics, high sciences, psychology, sociology, law, anthropology, history, political science, theology, and philosophy, and art and it's history. I have become truly a man for all seasons, I understand and can relate to so many things, I have come to understand people of diffrent races, colors and creeds, and my indiffrence towards them in the past. I renewed my faith in god, and carry a Gideon in my backpack with me everyday, and I consider my politics to be more defined. In the 2000 election, I voted for who my parents voted for, I let others shape my opinion, and now as I sit on the lip of the next election, I can say that I will be voting for a canidate based on my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Voting is a decision that occurs in the heart of all of us. I can't motivate myself by picking who guarantees lower taxes, or who is for or against a war, I learned that the canidate I vote for, I will vote for because I feel thier the best person for the job.

However while this is all a evident truth to me, some people close to me will consider it just another example of me being a pretensious snob. Snob it's a funny word, websters defines it as "One who affects an offensive air of self-satisfied superiority in matters of taste or intellect" basically one who points out his or her superiority over others. I don't think I have acted this way, I believe that my moral superiority comes from my upbringing, I went to the best private schools money could afford, I attended a men's college PREPRATORY school, and believe me I was prepared. I have years of self influence guiding my thoughts, feelings, and principles, guns I stick to even if thier not loaded. If proving that I have the talent, the ideas, and moral and social graces needed to succeed makes me a snob, oh well. I was raised to respect my parents, I was raised to treat women with respect and not as sex objects, I was raised with my parents desire to provide me with a better life than they had, and I have taken these and many other lessons with me thoroughout my 21 years, and will carry them to my grave. I am what I am because of what I choose to believe.

I choose to believe that morality is a constraint it's a benefit, I believe violence isn't always a solution, and shouldn't always be an option, and more importantly, I believe that violence and intollerance are the products of uneducated minds. I not some fucking hippie telling people to hug a tree or save a whale, but anyone will have to agree with me that the evils in this world are perpetuated with peoples carelessness and intollerance towards one another. If you defense for the actions of this country are, "fuck the world because we can kill everyone" well thats just being a dick, because we as a free, democratic society, shouldn't have the desire to kill everyone, we should encourage people to adopt the freedoms and ideals that were supposed to be upholding. Thier are many people in this world, who's only concievable crime is the living in the contry they live in. Not everyone in a foreign country supports the government they lived under. Fuck half the germany army thought hitler was a screw job, but they had no choice to support him, proof positive, his closest friends tried to kill him. I can't say that killing innocent people is alright in any case, collateral damage shouldn't be a statistic, it should be viewed as the fucking tragedy that it is.

Like everyone else, my world changed September 11, but I have to look at things from many angles. It was an american tragedy of a previously unheard of scale, thousands were dead because of the actions of a handful of people, I fully agree that going to war was nessecary, we were attacked and because of this we have a right to respond, but I feel that the response should have been total and immediate. In iraq dozens of people die every month because of car bombs, ambushes and insurgent armed engagements. These people aren't just American and coalition forces, thier innocent bystander, newly hired police men, and most importantly, children. I do not believe that under any circumstances children should be targets of aggression.

Children are innocents, they have just begun to live, and have yet to form the thoughts, feelings, and ideas, that make them the enemies of tommorow. Because they are the children of a nation that harbors terrorists, doesn't make them terrorists themselves, it doesn't mean that Palestinian terrorists can detonate themselves in a romper room, children are the future of a nation and all humanity, and nothing hurts me more, or brings me closer to tears than the death of a child. It's a tragedy that goes far beyond comprehension. These innocents including children are dying because people in washington decided to play police instead of soldier. The first gulf war was a display of american force, we were promised shock and awe, and instead of fighting off and killing these fucking insurgents when we started this war a year ago, we immediately began rebuilding the Iraqi infrastructure, giving these bastards a foothold in the region that has now allied itself with al-queda, and can only make a bad situation even worse.

I choose to be upright, I choose to point out the flaws in people in society, because only when these are addressed, is anything done about them, we all need to look at ourselves, and ask is being a snob that bad? is seeking to better ourselves a burden? , it is, it's the burden of being upright, but it is also the responsiblity of every young person around the world. If we as a society do not seek to correct the errors of our past, and build a better future, then this intollerance, war, aggression, lack of education and resources, will ultimately doom our society. I choose to be a snob, because someone has to, someone has to make people understand what they are doing wrong, and what they need to correct it, because as long as I have been alive I have been the snob, and as long as I live, I will continue to be, because I have a responsibilty within myself to make sure.


Monday, October 04, 2004

The Darkest Days

A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past.
Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind, 1954(1902 - 1983)

And so faith is closing your eyes and following the breath of your soul down to the bottom of life, where existence and nonexistence have merged into irrelevance. All that matters is the little part you play in the vast drama.
Real Live Preacher, reallivepreacher.com weblog, September 4, 2003


It has often been my fear that fate conspires against us, that somewhere in the grand scheme of things, god has determined that we must be tried over and over in order test the limits of our faith, and now I fear that I have hit the wall. Before the trials and tribulations of college life have overwhelmed me, and I have stared them in the face and won my battles, but now I fear that my work may have been in vain, that everything I have built for myself is merely sand slipping through my fingers into oblivion. It all started going downhill when Jim Norr my sociology professor had a stroke and was unable to continue teaching his class, now my TA as hard as she might try, is becoming overwhelmed with teaching a class she is still learning herself. My english class is forcing me to write about art in a way that is completely over my head, and outside my scope of intrests, and my geography class that the damn university says I have to take for "cultural diversity" is taught by a liberal douche bag that thinks the poor terrorists are another nations freedom fighters, how purely misguided he is.

These forces working together are tearing my mind apart, coupled with the stress of working two jobs and my older sisters impending wedding next month, because of all of this, I am tired, upset, and hostile, I'm snapping for no reason, and my migraines are returning more frequently, with more severity, I have to think of a way to ease my own suffering before I become consumed by madness, I cannot allow myself to be put on academic probabtion because of situations outside my control, and I'm not going to allow someone else to push me into a crippling nervous breakdown to suit thier needs, I need to find some way to pull my shit together and deal with this now before it fucks everything, I'm better than this and I know it, I just have to force myself to believe this, I'm afraid that I'm looking at my darkest days, and thiers no one with me to help save me this time, I know deep down that I'm strong enough to get by this, but I'm letting myself get distracted, need to pull it all together before the shit really hits the fan.