Adrift In A Sea Of Meaninglessness

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts, unable to act on thier superior knowledge. 
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge.
Enrico Fermi (1901 - 1954)

Socrates used to tell his students that the unexamined life isn't worth living, now not saying that I don't agree with that, because if anyone invests in that statement it's me, but I think the rest of the world is indiffrent towards it.

I have been observing those around me lately and have noticed that a vast majority favor almost anything over actual knowledge. Those around me choose not to read, citing "I dont have the time" or the classic "I dont want to". Now that is total bullshit, because everyone has time to read, hell I make time out of my day to do it, and no comic books, magazines, and TV Guide dont count, thier just periodicals, nothing absolute is gained from them, no further insight is required to understand them, thier the medium of print for the lazy.

Only with careful insight and self examination do we learn truth, and enable ourselves to truly understand anything. Without understanding thier is no progression, and without progression their is nothingness that we are adift in. We as a species are diffrent from everything else on this planet because we can see, hear, think, AND understand, we have the capacity for rational and insightful thought, but many of us choose not to use it because that would require us to think for once, or stop playing with themselves, whatever at the time they felt was more important.

So in close, next time you find yourself twiddling your thumbs or aimlessly channel surfing, pick up a damn book, go to a museum, do something or gain something from it, lest you be the only guy to see every episode of Sanford and Son.

J.U.G

Think of yourself as an incandescent power, illuminated and perhaps forever talked to by God and his messengers.
Brenda Ueland
 
Be ashamed to die unless you have won some victory for humanity.
Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)
 
 
Each of us, at one time or another, can say that someone saved our life. Now while they may not have pulled us from a burning building, or jumped in front of a bullet, there were their when we needed them most, and because they were there, we are alive today.
 
The man who saved my life was Paul Shin. Paul is a Korean missionary who came to Chicago from the otherside of the world, to teach me about my salvation through Jesus Christ. Now he didnt have some vision and hop on a plane to find me personally, but he traveled here to take me, and others like me, and bring to us, a sense of fulfillment, that only god can bring. And not a day goes by, that I dont think about where I would be, if I hadn't met the man when I did.
 
I was walking across the quad heading to a test in chemistry I knew I was going to fail, when this Asian man in a suit flagged me down, now this happens more than you would expect, we have exchange students all the time running all over the place not knowing where they are going, I just expected he was looking for directions, I couldn't have been more mistaken.
 
"Do you know Jesus?" that was what he asked me, now for a second I assumed he meant Jesus Zavala, this mexican in my history section,  but I realised he meant  Jesus Christ. I told him that I did, I went to a catholic high school, a catholic grade school, and I have read the bible before, so I felt comfortable saying that yes, I did in fact "know" Jesus Christ. I was going to shrug him off as one of many religious nuts all over campus handing out fliers, or asking for money, but something about him was diffrent, something I couldn't put my finger on, and I was intrigued. Paul wanted to make an appointment for a bible study session, so that he and I could share the "good word", I figured why not, what can 30mins do, but I never dreamed that those first 30 minutes would have a long lasting impact on me.  I joined Paul a week later at the University Bible Fellowship house on Polk street a week later, for a one on one session.
 
Now I was a little learry that I was being drawn into a cult, but I figured that I was responsible, I could handle myself, and if I sensed trouble I was confident that I would be able to walk. Now Paul greeted me at the door with a friendly handshake and led me into a family room where I met 12 others, who like me, were brought together for a session. We shared the history of our faith, we shared our problems with our faith, now mine were very real to me, I was a firm believer in the catholic church until a man named Ed Cronin became pastor of my church, and the emphasis moved away from God, and bacame about money and evangalism, after his initial attempts to raise money to build his "Cathedral" and his subsequent attempt to re-baptise those of us who disagreed with him, I decided that enough was enough, and I went to a diffrent parish, Sacred Heart. now while I was in a diffrent setting, it was the same old story, Money and a guilt trip for more money, I began to sympathise with Martin Luther, who realised that the churches selling of indulgences was wrong and robbing the faithful of both pocket and mind, I walked away from church and god, telling my parents every week that I was heading to mass, but I would just have my brother run into mass, grab a missalete, and then we would go and get breakfast, and that was a day. I had no intrest in faith, and I was fine with that.
 
Paul showed me the way back, when I began to read the bible with him, it wasn't about money, it wasn't about sacraments, it was about building a personal relationship between god and I and Paul wanted to take this to the next level. Paul lives more than 60 miles from my home, the FAR northside beyond Wrigley Field, and he drove down to my home to take me to a weekly prayer service downtown for the UBF one that brought together hundreds of college students like me from all over chicago, to hear the gospel, and interpert it for ourselves.
 
 I sat listening to an ordinary person on the pulpit reading the bible, not another priest, minister, etc, it was an ordinary person like myself, one whose faith allowed him to bring the word to all of us, and on top of this I recieved the honor of listening to a orchestra perform music, to aide in my self understanding of the gospel.  It was single handedly the most rewarding spiritual event of my life.
 
It's wasn'tcorrupt, thiers not some predator assaulting alter boys, thier was never ANY request for money, it was a simple ceremony created for a specific purpose, to spread a simple message, to make America again, a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.
 
This means, that every man, woman, and child can have the option if they so choose to hear the word of god, and to live a life faithful to the gospel. I learned that day, that I didn't need a church to bring me faith, I didn't need a priest to assure my salvation, my ultimate outcome in life, was determined by my actions here on earth and the life I live, the short and sweet, I am the only one who has any say or fault in my outcome in the afterlife.
 
That day my entire outlook on life changed, my political and social views, and even my overall mindset changed, I realised fully that thier was a god, that he is a powerful active force in this world, and he wants something from me. I know now what that is, and I spend my days and nights working towards it in my own ways, and for this I feel a total sense of fulfillment that I have never felt anything like before.
 
I came to hate the violence and chaos I once endorsed, I have started to come to accept the diffrences between other peoples and thier cultures and ways of life, and I want gods mission on earth to be fulfilled, for all of us to put aside our diffrences and work towards a more peaceful, perfect future.
 
When I was in high school, the Marist Brothers didnt call it detention, they called it J.U.G, Judgement Under God, we were being punished by god for our actions, and he determined our guilt or innocence, I understand this all so well now, when we stood thier with the book open in our outstretched arms, we were supposed to be thinking about what we had done, said, etc, and how it would affect our outcome in the future, JUG is something both powerful and meaningful to me now, and I fully understand why so long ago it seems, I was subjected to it.
 
But isn't that life, JUG?
 
"This is Life, This Is Not An Exit"

We Are All Truly Less Than Zero...

 Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.
John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963), speech prepared for delivery in Dallas the day of his assassination, November 22, 1963

The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from that, our motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815 - 1902), 1890
 
In his novel "Less Than Zero" , Brett Ellis describes the excess and deficiency present in the privledged elite during the 1980's, but most importantly, it shows that while we are friends with people, not even friendship can makeup for poor descision making on the parts of those close to us. Julian became drug dependent and ultimately died from choices he made, and sadly, Clay his best friend in the world was powerless to stop him or help him, ultimately determining that in life,  we are all less than zero, meaning that in the grand scale of things, we are all victims to our own passions, we are all victims to our vices, and in the end, nothing we do can save us from the descisions we have made. Theres nothing in this world that can save us from being what we are, and I understand that, it is the rest of the world that never understands.
 
I have often stated that I hate being the voice of reason, I hate being the only one with answers, I hate being the only one who escapes the destructive forces of poor descisions, and now finally, I have come to hate myself for everything I have done because of this. People other than myself make mistakes, people other than myself destroy thier lives, and people other than myself have in thier hearts and minds the flaws that make all of this possible, instead of trying to save them from themselves, like Clay did for Julian, I should have let them make thier descisions and live their lives, and walk away from them like I did so long ago. 
 
I often recall the old short "Goofus And Gallant" in Highlights magazine, Where Goofus makes the poor choices and Gallant always makes the right ones, Gallant knew it was gonna rain, so he stayed inside and baked cookies with his mother, Goofus went under a tree and got struck by lightning. Gallant lived because he was smart, and Goofus died because he was a total fuck-tard and didnt listen to Gallant.
 
I'm tired of being Gallant, Im tired of trying to give advice and assistance to those who dont heed my warnings, I am wise far beyond my years, I am a scary judge of character, and when I make a judgement call about someone or something, I am never fucking wrong, and in the end I sit back and wonder why I even fucking bothered to waste my time in the first place.
 
I'm tired and as the days go on, I dont get any less tired, I have grown sick of giving people second chances, I have become angered with myself for being forgiving, and I have come to hate myself for being so kind to people who consistantly treat me like shit after I have gone way far out of my way to help them.  This world, this life, is a pattern of chaos, I escape it because I choose to resist rather than serve, I agressively search and always find a way out of this chaos and its because I know what is right and what is wrong, and I know what is best for everyone, because I make descisions based on experience, logic, empathy, and observations, if people would just shut the fuck up and listen to me sometimes, they would all be better off, because I am where I am because I was born to lead, I was born to make descisions, and I was born to escape the failure and snags like those created inside lesser men.
 
I'm a man of  faith, having found god again in my life, I understand that he puts us on this earth for a reason, and my reason is to be a great leader among men, to live a life of balance and make a difference in the lives of others, and right now people are making it hard for me to do this, I want nothing more than to fulfill his plan for me, but if it means that I must move on and lead others to a higher purpose, a more pure, simple living, then so be it, I am prepared to do whatever is nessecary to finish the job.
 
I dont want anymore lies, I dont want anymore bullshit, I want, expect and demand honesty, logic and self discipline. Thier are people elsewhere who want and deserve my help, and I will not deny them any further what they want, what they need because people waste my efforts. If you do not want to listen, if you choose to ignore my advice I will walk, and you all know from experience, when I walk, I never come back, it's over and done with, as with god in the bible I have two personas, the loving and helpful, and the angry and wrathful , and I will use both, thier is no grey area anymore, thier is a black and white, and a right and wrong, I am right and the general population of the world is wrong, and if you want to be happy, if you want to be pure, if you want to be above zero, it's going to be me to lead you thier, and if you don't thanks for playing, go get fucked, because the voice of reason breathes no more....

Remember this-that there is a proper dignity and proportion to be observed in the performance of every act of life.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD - 180 AD)

Modesty is a shining light; it prepares the mind to receive knowledge, and the heart for truth.
Madam Guizot


It helps all of us from time to time, to look at ourselves, seperate from the others around us, and deal with a self analysis, that while hard at times, is truly nessecary to really gain a sense of direction in our own lives. It is the business of lesser men to deny thier problems, and I have recognised and addressed many of these in myself. I attempt to improve my quailty of life by being honest with myself and those important to me, but to truly feel better about myself, and better about the world around me, I need to look at that honesty, work with it, and apply it to my day to day life.

I have come to understand that I have a issues with being modest. I have always had a high opinion of myself, I have existed with many positive things running for me throughout my formative years, a clean driving and criminal record, no problems with drinking or drug use, and an excellent academic and professional list of accomplishments. When I sat down last time and looked at my life, I was in high school, I was spending New Years Eve with some of my friends, playing with fireworks, watching them all get drunk, and I had to step back and ask myself, what the hell am I doing?

Right about this time, I recieved the honor and opportunity to work for the Police, it was a simple role as a cadet but I took and still take great pride in that job. I was asked to aide the law, to help make a diffrence in the lives of others, and it filled me with a sense of joy and pride unlike anything else I had or have yet experienced. However, I feel that my new found responsiblities as an employee of the Police, forced me to become over zealous in my life. I quickly abandoned my friends for things they did, my best friend of 5 yrs, I ditched overnight when he and another pal of mine got busted playing strip poker with minors, I just simply didn't want thier actions harming my future with the department. To this day I wonder what could have been if I had stuck by those guys.

I stopped and continue to stop living, obviously not in the physical sense, but I became and still am semi-reclusive, I don't want the horrors of the outside world, tainting my outlook on life. I became very selective about who I associated myself with and why, I matured emotionally and mentally overnight, I had a responsiblity now, for the first time in my life, it clicked that I had finally found what I was destined to do, I was meant to enforce the law, and with that protect and improve the lives of others, and I wasn't going to allow anyone to change that, if they weren't on the Sam Boyle bandwagon of doing the right thing all the time, I wasn't going to be involved with them or even associate myself with them, I and my future were to important to waste, "So Much Wasted, And An Emptiness Fills My Heart" lyrics to a great song, but words that stick in my mind, why was this so important to me, that I could and would ruin my chance at happiness, loose my social skills, and begin to see the awfullness and evil inside people, judge them and associate their worth in a matter of seconds, Why?


but here I have seen the error of my ways. I should never have questioned this, everything happens for a reason, and time wasted on what if's is time wasted in general.

People my age I guess are supposed to spend thier days getting drunk and high, having meaningless sex, and living on the edge, speeding in thier cars, making snap descisions without future goals and objectives in mind, and most importantly, not care about tommorow and live for today.

But I have always and still view myself as cut from a diffrent cloth than the rest of the world, I think that my morals and ethics are who I am, I have stated before, I am who I am because of what I choose to believe, and I do believe.

I believe, that my life, the choices that I have made, and the bridges I have built and burned are for the best, I cannot invision why I would dream of getting high and achieving "higher understanding", get drunk and make an ass out of myself, or go out and get some girl in the prime of her life pregnant, why I would take assine risks for personal enjoyment, and why I would choose to risk everything I have, and everything I have worked for, on a life more suiting to social "norms".

I guess this problem isn't me even being modest, it's that I should be humble, but thiers no reason to, I understand that I am diffrent, and I'm more than excepting of that, because I love what I am. I'm happy that I can have a positive, meaningful relationship with a woman without sex getting in the way, that I can have a rich and fulfilling life without substance abuse, and that I am genuine honest, law abiding citizen. I have never been one for pranks, I feel bad truly about the pain they can inflict on others, and I view the time wasted on them as truly lost, nothing can be gained from the suffering of others, I have learned that, and while I get angry, and express that often, It's because I'm angry at the entire world as well as myself, I'm angry for not acting, I'm angry for the evil that men do, and most importantly, I'm angered towards their lack of concern and indiffrence towards it.

I'm celebate, purely by choice, I would rather be in love than faking that I care about someone to get in thier pants, I have never been like that, and never will. I am drug free because I want nothing in this world affecting my clarity, getting in the way of my pure, unclouded thoughts. And finally I respect the law, order, and rights of the society I live in, because I believe in them, not the inherent self rightness of my own actions, If something is wrong, I can't make myself pretend that it is not, I won't attempt to justify it because I want to do what I feel like doing. This leads to the greatest aspect of what it is that I hate about the world, the lack of faith, respect and understanding people have in me and the work I undertake.

I get shit everyday from my family and friends about my job, I'm a trainee, and I love it, wheter they respect my work, I could care less, but they have no right making fun of me because I often get tasked with things that most people do not want to have to do, I get coffee for my commanding officers, I handle traffic accidents, and I deal with animal control, but even if they think I and my job is some kind of goddamned joke, I take pride in my work, because I didn't come to the department, they came to me, they want me to succeed and they are supportive of my efforts and the methods in which I eleviate thier own stress. I am the low man on the totem pole, I understood that when I took the job, but people need to understand that I am trusted with duties and privledges that others are not afforded in thier own life. I am resposible for thousands of dollars worth of equipment, for seeing to the needs of a community and the people who protect it, and most importantly, I am given the honor of making a diffrence in someone elses life, anyone can spend thier days calling names and cracking jokes, but when people are filling your neighborhood with drugs, gangs, and guns and the guy next door is beating on his wife, it's the people I assist that come and deal with the rest of the worlds dirty laundry, their taking the risk for you, and if you continue to treat them and myself like some kind of joke, try to invision what a world without them would be.

Everyone would be out of control, and you all know it. I handle the bullshit for the department, I run thier errands, I answer ridiculious calls, address peoples cares and concerns at town meetings, and I go to court, so that when you have a problem, someone else, isn't tied up doing everyone elses laundry. If I'm not thier, everything I do, has to be done by someone else, my community is crime free, because the officers that protect it, are firm, fair, and vigilant, they enforce the laws as they are written, thier is no grey area, they are upfront, respectful, and supportive of the community, and they spend 99% of thier time on the streets working to prevent crime, not just respond to it. They have the time for all of this because I afford it to them, I make sure their is gas in thier cars, that their paperwork is 100% and that needs are taken care of so that yours can be, while I not out playing cops and robbers all day, I know in my heart and mind that the work I do makes a diffrence to them, so they can make a diffrence to you, and if you think I'm still a joke thats your opinion, because I feel great about what it is that I do, what it means to my employers, and the opportunities that it affords me.

I guess in close, the world can learn a leason or two from me, that you have to do whats right for you, but more importantly, whats right for others, because alone we are weak, together are strong, but we can only be strong together when we understand that our actions in life often are wrong if they don't have everyones best intrests and desires behind them.