A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
George Moore

Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.
Miriam Beard


Every once in awhile it is important for us to get away from it all for awhile, be it the trials and tribulations of work, or even the people around us, a few days away from the home is what is truly needed for us to put things in perspective. Having just returned from a week away with the folks I can say that I feel a sense of both spiritual and mental refreshness. Alone by myself without anyone around, I felt a peace within myself and the world that I haven't felt in quite sometime, and let me tell you, it is the greatest feeling in the world. Sitting alone in my beach chair, drinking a cold lager and smoking my cigar, I watched the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen, and I became aware of alot of things about myself, things to both pride myself on, and to feel shame about, but it is that self realization that makes life truly rewarding and worth living, to know ones self is the greatest requirement to truly being human, and I can now say that I am closer to fully understanding what I want from this world, my life, and myself, and this was all possible because of my "Alone" time.

I got back into town and spoke with Stephanie on the phone, and things are going well with her, and then that self awareness came into effect, and I realized that she and I really don't belong together, she has this boyfriend chris, I guy I really enjoy hanging around with, she is happy, she has everything in the world going for her, and I am not going to allow myself to upset the balance she has to achieve my own. With this in mind I commited myself to a friends only policy with her, and in the three days I have been back, this has been a better experience for me, she and I still connect, and as long as that is still possible, I can do just about anything with her and feel good about myself, she is a wonderful and supportive person, and if anything can be said about her, she inspires me to be all that I can be, as cliche as that sounds. She has convinced me to dive back into the meat market again so to speak and begin seeing someone, and thats just what I plan on doing, I have dinner next week with this girl Valerie, whom I feel pretty strong about, she's a pre-med at northwestern and has many similar views and hobbies in common with my own, meaning in the long term this young lady has the potential to be a very positive force in my life. I only hope that this personal revelation hasn't been in error, I hate to make impetious life descisions on a hunch, but this time, with the knowledge gained, I plan on making my days just a little sunnier.

The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for.
Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900),

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
Andre Gide (1869 - 1951)


I think it goes without saying that I'm a hated man, many people don't like me, and maybe a few more would like to see me dead. Perhaps it stems from the fact that I'm self righteous, thats it's no secret that when I tell someone that I'm better than them, I mean it, and it's true. The problems that eat other men alive, I laugh off, the woes of others lives, I could give a shit less about, and I'm totally comfortable with that. I know people get upset with me when I deliver proof of my genius, and it hurts them, it damages their pride and they have to reflect on themselves in a way that makes them feel bad, but fuck that, because self doubt is the greatest sign of inadequacy. I value myself and my own life, so much in fact that I do not take risks, and would gladly allow any number of people to die, to save my own skin, and once again, I'm totally comfortable with that.

With that said, I come to a point about my life that is starting to irritate me, that I haven't been as frank with people as I should be. Point in question, the other day, I go to my buddy James house to play Halo, we have like eight guys over at James condo, that I will add he paid for himself, maintains himself, and opens to us with the best of intentions, but everytime we go over thier, someone trashes the place, lets his cat out, or does some other shit that really irks my gourd. Now listen, James is making his own way in life, and he is being kind enough to let most of these go with him, he and I have always related, we actually work, we have 9-5 jobs, we have financial expenses and we have responsibilities, thats why whenever I go over to his house I always insist on leaving money for him to recoup the costs of any food I ate, his beer I drank, or for him to do whatever with, I work, I understand fully well how expensive things can get, and when we decide to order a pizza the other night, remarkably everyone execpt myself, James, and Thorns are broke. I don't understand this at all, now Stubby I can excuse, he has been away at school for close to 9 months without a job, and just got back home and started his job again, thats perfectly exceptable, and I wouldn't dream of charging him anything because he ALWAYS pays back his debts in full. Now when other people, mainly the people who evidently decided to jerk off for a living instead of working, cry poor like they do every fucking week I get upset, because we always have money for cigarettes, or to do whatever the fuck they want to do, but when they go somewhere with me, thier always fucking broke, and expect me or someone else to pick up the tab, point in question, we can afford a $5 skillet at dennys, but we can go to a pool hall every fucking night. This is really getting fucking ridiculious. to top it off, James and I have to drive 3 miles to an ATM draw out cash, and pickup a pizza that everyone else ate. Thats just fucking insulting, my brother who is fifteen, and doesn't have a job, shelled out cash, and these guys sit in his house, drink his beer and don't even offer to get off thier asses to pickup food thier going to eat and not pay for. I really, really wanted to bitch these guys out, because thier behavior shows a total lack of class that has just become totally unacceptable. Don't even bother going out if your going to be crying poor, and don't expect to survive on your own if you can't demonstrate sound financial planning. Everything I have, and everything that I do, I paid for with my money I earn, I have never had less than two jobs, and I continue to have at least a little security by working my ass off to get an excellent job, saving and investing, and realizing that I will spend the rest of my life working, I can't dodge it, and I can't spend anymore time sitting on my dick doing nothing and goofing off, my party days are over and I am more than comfortable with that.

Next, I have grown increasingly tired of people and thier incesant bragging. I don't care how hot your girlfriend is (because no one is ever as good looking as they or others claim them to be and the only flawless being is god, and as soon as you learn that your better off) how much money you make, or who your nailing (because when and believe me she will get pregnant, and your broke, your both fucked literally) these damn things keep coming up, and I have to keep repressing all this anger over them, because it's just fucking getting old, point in question this miserable braggart I know who believes he's gods gift to everything, and it's just arrogant and wrong, and a sign of poor taste.

I have also increasingly become upset with peoples carelessness and immaturity. I spend my days dealing with drunks and wife beaters and I dont like spending my off time dealing with equally crude people. I went to an all guys high school, and I was forced to deal with thier constant unruly behavior, thier constant need to scratch themselves, pass gas and do all manner of crude shit with no regard for those around them. I went to eight years of catholic grade school before I set foot in a catholic high school, and if I EVER even thought about doing that in grade school, it was detention city, when I ask them why they feel the need to do that, the answer is "it's only guys here, who cares" it's simple, I FUCKING CARE, my parents paid good money to send me to a college prep school, where I earn a quality education, and learn excellent manners and etiquite, if I have to let one rip, I got up excused myself to the washroom, and then came back, it's the principle of the thing. It's obsene and certain people and most importantly certain cultures take offense to things like that. I also point out that everything with people these days seems to be a goddamn joke, nothing is serious and no one is capable of dealing with things in a timely and mature manner. I getting fucking tired of being the only one who wants to get anything done anymore, I get in a room, sit down for five minutes, and then feel a need to get up and get moving again, I can't sit on my laurels when shit needs to get done and that seems like everyday.

It's just getting to be a struggle with me, so much about other people is starting to piss me off, and I feel like I'm losing it, I hate the fact that i'm not doing anything about stuff that is obviously pissing me the fuck off, but I still try even though I'm an asshole to be respectful and appropriate.

Doctors Remedy For the Situations: Take A Dose Of Reality, And Grow THE FUCK UP!

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.
Plato (427 BC - 347 BC), Dialogues, Phaedo

You ever sit back and wonder about people, you know, question thier nature, question thier honesty?


I think perhaps often times we question if those close to us, are always honest with us.
All commaradery between humans is based on two factors:

1.) Fear
2.) Trust

People either follow us in life because we instill in them the ability to trust us, or we motivate them through fear. I believe in the trust aspect, I am a man of my word and my word is my bond, in these days the only thing that has value anymore is the word and peoples belief in our sincerity, we can only expect one another, if we trust each other to do the right thing, or be honest about their intentions.

On to the focus of this rant, I have recently taken time to reflect on the actions of false people, these people we all know who put on this facade or illusion of who or what they are, to gain a level of trust with people, often to later manipulate them to thier own needs and desires. A textbook example, Eddie Haskel from "Leave It To Beaver" when Mrs. Cleaver is present, he is the sweet charming friend of Beaver's older brother, but when she isn't around, he becomes this coniving little shit who can be downright devious.

I feel that those who would pretend to be our friends or lie to us, to gain favors, status or even compensation of any kind, are no better than the crap we flush down the john. I point to no one I know, because at times we can all be like this, be it lying to a friend on the phone and saying we have other plans when we don't, or speaking about our supposed friends behind thier back, we must all be aware of our actions, as the greatest evil our world will ever face, is the carelessness and indiffrence of man.