Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
Czech Proverb

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
George Washington (1732 - 1799)

Thier often comes times in our lives where we are forced to assess our friendships and loyalities and with whom they lay upon. Recenlty I have been examining those not within the mainstream of my friends, but people on the outside who have suddenly showed up for almost nowhere with intent on standing tall. My point in question, my once distant friend and now partner with the police department Ross. I have known him for quite some time and only recently working with him closely and being responsible for each others lives, have I realised what a stand up guy he is, he has since we were in boyscouts, had his shit together, he has always known how to act, how to dress, what is socially accpetable to say and when, and he is a great mediator in a crisis. Ross and I have been spending a good deal of time together lately hitting the bars and clubs together, we have a few laughs, enjoy a few good beers, and enjoy our favorite vice, a fine cigar, he is a man of culture, class, and most importantly dignity,and if I have come to relish in the fact that I have him watching my back, he's going to go all the way if nessecary and he no bones about it, he's ready to do whats right anytime any place.

Now we come to Art, my former boss, Art and I have always been cordial with one another, hanging out outside of work and we drop one another a call ever so often, but lately, Art has proven himself to be ultra reliable. He called me out of the blue the other day while I was downtown doing research, and asked if I wanted to do anything, I told him I was downtown and that I would be taking the train home, he immediately asks if I would like a ride from the train station. I was shocked, art lives miles from the station but at the drop of a hat, he would drive all the way out to pick my sorry ass up, thats a kind of bond that few people share, let alone with me. When he gets me, which was dead on time might I add, he suggests we go and get lunch. So we head over to this BBQ joint by my house and have some gyros, now I pay for lunch which drives art insane. Arts a great guy, however he has for the last few years, been self sufficient, he lives with his grandparents, pays for his own food, his car, everything, and he never asks for a cent from anyone, he is a man of humility, and a man of his own means, I respect Art for this, he knows where he came from and works for everything he has, thats why he can't fall off the wagon and thats why he is going to be a success, because he always been willing to work for his goals, and pick himself up for his falls. Art agrees to this because I state that he picked me up so I feel obligated, he insists on leaving the tip, thats class, he knows when to give and when to recieve, and thats a rareity today.

Next is my crew from UIC, people I have known for my two year tenure on campus. Phil, my roommate from a brief period, has been like a brother to me, always backing me up in awkward situations, he recently got me working out in the gym, and he calls me up whenever he has a second just to check on me, he is a brother above and beyond. Today he taught me the principles of hacky sak and how to flip someone, way the fuck over my head, he looks and acts like jack black, but I swear to god that he has moves like fucking jackie chan. Art, is the polish/mexican eclectic drummer of the local band Twice By Chance, and another standup guy, this fellow is hillarious, dropping probably the best one liners and joke I have ever heard, and sharing some tales that while bizzare at times, both make you laugh your ass off, and question your very existence, Art is kind of a laid back surfer type only he don't surf! he got this girlfriend named Barb, who is just your garden variety sweetheart, small town girl from rural lowa with charm and class, and she is just a wonderful person overall, she gets along great with everyone, and is aspiring to be a teacher which I think is just fantastic, she is supportive of both her students and art and is more than willing to compromise, she doesn't nag and is always around to answer questions, because believe me she knows everything. Also in this mix is Bob, a great guy, while a bit of a stoner, Bob is a standup guy who is a big fan of his mothers native Scotland, and visits often, he is a party animal but is also a quiet genius in his own right, he is the professor of street smarts, and thier is probably nothing that happens in chicago he doesn't know about, he knows every local band, the best bars, the areas to visit, and most importantly, to run from, and he does all of this inspite of recently loosing his father after a long battle with cancer. Bob has recently confessed to me that he is thinking about becoming a cop, and moving to Scotland, which I think is just fantastic, he has the mindset that builds a great officer.

Then we come around to the Freshmen. Now while usually the rule of thumb might be to just let them die on thier own, a handful of them really impress me with their style and zeal. Peter is this legimate polish fellow who is in metrosexual denial, but thats cool because he balances that with a sense of humor and is a die hard snowboarder, and a dedicated caddy to the rich and famous. His friend from High School is Anna, a lovely little polish girl who while at time can be a little dim, is really a bright medical student who is really into to just living her life, she doesn't let much bother her and thats a rare gift these days. Her friend Megan is another enigma, on the surface she might seem anti-social, but she is just a wealth of information about art, music, cinema, and other finer higher things in life, but she is not a snob about it, like other supposed experts in the field. She sings in a band and acts in plays and is just all around a great gal

Now we come to ozzie and harriet themselves, Dave and Trina. Dave is Einstein jr, thiers no other way to put it, he is absolutely brillant and he knows it to, and is very reluctant to admit it, but he shines in just about everything. He is a great social commentator and shares many of my more fringe politcal views, but knows when to demonstrate them and to speak up. His girlfriend Trina is just lovely, she has this life about her that just isn't found in anyone else, she is a little shy at times and unsure of herself, but she works hard, she takes care of her disabled mother, and even finds time to care for her niece while her older sister works downtown. These two are the textbook T.V couple, the next Stone family, and if they ever break up, watch out and keep your head down because the fucking world is ending. I love these two because they give me hope that a kind, gentle,moral, and creative family is still possible in a society mired by excess and defficientcy.

I just created this little rant to give you all some insight to the people in my life, I will be back soon with another rant in the near future.

Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last.
Greg Evans, Luann (comic), September 27, 2003

I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry.
Maxine Waters, in Brian Lanker, I Dream a World, 1989

I often ask myself, why I feel anger, why my life becomes consumed with a madness so self induced, and I think it's because I choose for it to be. If we choose to ignore problems, then they build up until they get beyond control, and thats what survival is about, control, and if we can't control our own lives it will fall apart on us, we will become buried up to our necks in shit, and then ask what now?

I choose to let it out, I choose not to live with it, but to destroy my problems as they arise, if I can't conquer it, I walk away from it, and I never ever look back, a god forbid if a problem ever comes looking for me, I make sure the fucking thing doesn't last long after it finds me, because when I'm gone, I'm gone, and goddamn anyone or anything that tries to drag me back in.

maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm just disillusioned, but at least I'm prepared, I'm lethal and I'm more than prepared to do whatever is nessecary for my own survivial, because again, in the end thats all that matters, that we are prepared to ensure our survival. Self preservation is a goal, it is my agenda, and it's my edge, I'm in a positions where I have to much at stake to let anyone or anything compromise me, and I'm not going to let anyone's personel agenda alter me or my course.

I'm young, I'm successful, and I'm in touch with my life, and too many people and thier excess baggage will cloud that, rob me of my clarity and force me to let my guard down, and unless I'm prepared, I'm not going to be ready to challenge fate and deal it the death blow it deserves. I will not succumb to chance, I will not let unplanned factors challenge my self dominance or control, and I will be goddamned if I let her stand in my way...

[ Sat Apr 10, 09:44:29 PM | Samuel Boyle | edit ]

Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.
Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only weblog, February 16, 2004

I think back to the evil I have caused, and my utter indiffrence to it, evil I cause not for a need to lash out or because I feel hatred in my heart, but because my good nature, or my supposed good nature often comes back to bite me in the ass and I suffer because of it.

If I concern myself with the problems of others, I can forgive myself for squalling away my life. However often when I step in and solve these problems, no matter how pure or simple my solution is, I feel a blow back because of it.

The greatest problem stems from my need to solve the relationship woes of my friends. I feel that we function better as a team, and for that reason I make every effort to keep us as that, when these women enter my friends lives, I feel a seperation that kills a part of me inside. I immediately see the flaws in these women and seek to exploit them, more over I resent them publicly. I ask myself why, because even if I know thier awful for my friends and they kind of see it too, why do I feel compelled to interupt thier happiness?

I think it's because Im a asshole, I got burned once and I feel pain, anger, and frustration that I need to share with the world, and while I have the best of intentions, I feel the need to impose life lessons on them, even though they should experience them for themselves. Matt and Joe realised that thier one and only someone, wasn't the ray of sunshine they thought they were, even though I told them months if not years earlier, and Steve learned that same lesson with a gal he met down the road, but these relationships took them away from me, and weakend the bonds that we shared. I trust these men with my life and for such reasons, I feel a need to "help" them make descisions. Meanwhile people like Stubbs still search out there and find the answers, but why do I try and find the answers for them?

Why am I compelled to steer the lives of those around me? because I see a future that I don't feel they are capable of providing for themselves without my direction and I feel like an asshole because of it. I wanted at least at one time to spend fridays in a dim basement getting drunk with these guys sharing stories of the good old days well into my 80's but that doesn't look like a possibility anymore. I think that these guys have finally wised up and have got tired of my shit, and I feel that my darkest days are ahead of me.

But as strange as that seems or bleak as that sounds, I accept that and am comfortable with it. I have said before that the only truth that exists in life, the only thing we have to believe in, is what we choose to believe in. I believe that in my supposed ignorance, Im supposed to feel guilt, but I don't, and that doesn't surprise me either, because I really haven't "felt" anything in awhile, I died inside sometime after I graduated high school, and since then, I only can see the worst in people and in the world, but for what thats worth, I love it, because I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life, I realised that if people don't care for me as a person fuck 'em, if people have a problem with me or my views fuck 'em, because I don't tap dance and jag off for anyone, and I have grown tired of being the voice of reason because my concern now is Sam Fucking Boyle.

and if I'm a burden, if I'm an asshole because I feel that when I make a judgement call people should listen to me like whatever comes out of my mouth should be taken as the word of god, oh well, tra la la de fucking da, because I'm in touch with my humanity, I know what I am and what I am capable of, I love these people like brothers and sisters, but I will not hold hands and guide people , they need to make the tough choices for themselves. I realise that not many so called life philosophies deal with self glorification, but thats what this is about now, it's about grabbing life by the horns and skull fucking the shit out of it, because you can't allow yourselves to be denied, you have to understand that it's not what you give in life, its what you take from life, and I take the understanding that we are a flawed species with the ticking time bomb of genetic death over our heads, and if we spend our lives waiting for other people to validate our life, we will have wasted it, the rule of thumb is don't shit were you eat, you leave your problems at the door, your young, your idealistic, your relationships and experiences are going to change like the weather who fucking cares, in another 80 years your going to be dead anyway right, live life for yourself, and make every second count, because unlike other things in life, thier are do-overs.

I want to close with a poem that has deep meaning to me, and will hopefully help you understand that if anyone tries to rob you of life experiences, it's time to start digging the hole, because this big blue marble is spinning fast and the rides gonna end sooner or later be prepared for the aftershock.

A Poison Tree
William Blake

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better".
King Whitney Jr.


In my ignorance, in my quest for self elightenment, I allowed my emotions to betray my ability for rational thought, and the consequence of it was almost more than I could bear, the loss of two great friends.

This Blog was meant to be therapeutic, and instead, became a powerful surveillance tool into my life and my emotions. When things I published here, made thier way into the general population, I was posed with a choice, deal with things in a more responsible manner or loose several people close to me, it's obvious I picked the first.

But now comes the question that has racked my brain since, What does it take to change the essence of a man?
what does it take for a man to accept all that he has said and done, and change with a want to change?

I think it goes deeper than just a surface thing it's a self revelation that often can cost us dearly if we fail to see the forest from the trees. And unless we view the fault in ourselves and deal with it, we will never be as human as we can truly be.