Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
Jane Howard, "Families"

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)

Sadly I have been heavily preoccupied, and being such, was unable to write lately, the reason being, my spring break, brought back both my chosen, and at the same time, helped further define me, as a person and as a human being.

Several years ago, not long after the departure of Terri from my life, I was in search of answers, and a new mission in life. Matt Thorns, a close ally of mine for many years a man who I have assumed as my own family, decided to introduce me to three men who makeup with matt and steven, my Chosen, an inner circle of my friends all of whom I trust dearly with both my life, and with the wisdom and advice that they offer.

Matthew Thorns was a man I met long ago in the boy scouts, a free spirit, matt and I immediately became friends, his life and exhuberence gave him the ability to dive head first into life and enjoy it for all it's worth, and to push himself onwards no matter the opposition. Matt has and will for years continue to teach me things about my own existence, what it is to love and loose, and most importantly, being mature about life and it's choices, but remaining light hearted and plesant about things.

With Matt came Jai Kang, one of the inspirations for this blog, a man who has taught me one of the most philosophical lessons a human being can ask for, that an unexamined and unquestioned life isn't worth living, Jai has been partially blind since childhood, and as such cannot do many of the things people his age enjoy, but inspite of this Jai continues to live his life to the fullest, and because of such, Jai is able to add his unique perspective to the world around him. Jai is one of the few people I know who is able to see the world for what it is truly, beyond the sugar coating and the bullshit, positive or negative, Jai see's it and isn't afraid to tell you what he sees and what people think of him for laying down those observations. Now some might call him an asshole or a son of a bitch for doing it, but I call him my friend, he is always truthful and is always brutally honest without being vauge or sparing someones feelings, he compliments people when deserved, and calls them out when they need to be, for this he is truly and enlightened person.

With Jai came Joe Bauml, a man who lives his life day to day, and lets things flow with thier own order and pace, and for such, Joe is a balancing factor that brings options and insight to many problems I have encountered in life, having problems of his own in the past, Joe has recovered now and is able to make us all think and look at ourselves, accepting all we have done and said and using the knowledge gained from that to improve our own lives. I still believe that he is a reincarnated zen master from those kung fu movies because he is so cool, calm and collected, that I swear when he sleeps sheep count HIM.

Justin Stubbs entered the equation with the advice of trio. Justin has much in common with me, a collective birthday, a desire to explore life, and the wisdom and foresight to add others advice before commiting to action. Stubbs is in everyway, a brilliant man, he is well versed in all areas of study and is constantly using the god given gifts of such to improve the lifes of those around him. Many times he has given me the advice that proved critical to descisions that made my life difficult, and he is always willing to listen, Stubbs had chosen to stand with us a long time ago and hasn't looked back since, being by us in the shit and luxury associated with what our lives have been and what they will become.

Finally their is Steven Pesha, my avatar, a man whom I trust absolutely, and a man I would gladly take a bullet for anytime, anywhere. Steve and I became close friends in high school almost by accident, his younger sister K was close friends with a mutual friend of my cousin Clare, a girl named Karrie. Karrie arranged for my cousin to go to my high schools home coming with Steve. Steve agreed and I quickly tracked him down in school, for one to size him up and see if he was a jag or not, mind you this was back before I met the man, and to invite him to join my group I was traveling with to dinner. While Steve didn't come with us, he and I became the greatest of friends, he was everything Andy and Scott weren't, loyal. Steve trusted me to make descisions, and stood by me, he was and still is above being defined by his social status and he like me, works hard and reaps the rewards of it. Steven and I have been friends now for five years, and I have and will continue to look upon these years as the proudest of my life. He is a man ruled by his principles and is unwavering in his convictions, he roundly rejects things that taint him, and is critical of my life in a way that helps further define what I am as a person. He questions and often rags me for my desire to remain single, a aspect of myself that many have a good time with. Being in a relationship is alot like being on Heroin, thier is a big high, and then at the end your left with a bitter crash and a dependency for more and more, until you take to much and it leaves you both financially bankrupt and on the verge of death from the inside. I know thats a little bleak but believe me, I have seen love that can light the stars in people eyes, and then watch them turn on each other like rabid animals, and as such, I choose to remove this cancer of unclarity from my thought process.

But Steve is my moral compass, I feel comfortable talking to him and I feel compelled to question his life and let him question mine. Some day steve will overcome his flaws being his lack of confidence in his abilities and his failure to distance himself from people who would hold him down. Someday he will bag the woman of his dreams, and settle down with a family and hopefully raise them to be everything he is, honest, dependable and hardworking.

But to the point, these men my chosen, are the people I rely on when the shit hits the fan and they do the same for me. It broke my heart when we all went to diffrent colleges, but when we are all back in town, we get together like we did the other night, enjoy a few drinks and a few laughs and lay it on thick when it comes to living. With the summer coming soon, we will all be together again and will have times I know we will all cherish.

But the real kicker here is my family. On the 29th I celebrated the right of passage that is the 21st birthday, I have finally reached the top of the mountain and the valley is good let me tell you. I chose for this event, to go with my uncles, my grandfathers, and my male cousins all of whom I deeply respect to the bar a few drinks. I the following hours we all bonded on real levels and shared stories of our lives. This event was everything I hoped it would be and more, and because of it, I feel I am stronger, wiser, and deeper when it comes to relating to the people who gave me everything I have, and made me everything that I am.

The focus of this entry has been for me to recall why these people mean so much to me, and why they have shaped my life in ways so profound that they may never fully understand the extent of it.

What led up to all of this? , what was the reason behind all of this, and why share your tao with us?

We often question in our own lives what it is to love, and often times more importantly, what it is to be loved, I thought I knew this all once, back when I was a diffrent person, when I thought I knew alot more than I know now, and was naive enough to believe that love could survive on will alone.

Even now, years after she left my life, she still haunts my memories, and rightfully so, she was my first real perception of love, and I was on cloud nine. Terri, a supposed angel, she came up from behind out of nowhere and changed my entire perception of people, she made me believe. For the first time in my life, I believed that were honest, decent people in real life not just the movies, she had that kind of power and I was foolish enough to believe in it. We dated for months, and she would become a key point of my life, however like all good things in life, they have a tendency to change on you.

Enter Andy. Andy came up from nowhere in high school, he was so much like myself that it was frightening, he was bright idealistic, and most importantly, he questioned life. He was ready for the next step in his own life, and for this reason we became close friends. But while a puritan on the surface, Andy like so many people in this world wore a mask. The masks we where, hide our true nature from the world, and in such make people believe we are something that we are not. I wanted Andy to be my Peter, my prophet, the one who would continue on after me, but instead he was my Judas. He saw what was of most valuable to me, and he made his move. Terri the woman I loved, left me for my supposed best friend, and I stood in time, a broken and spiritless man.

They would break-up and stop talking to each other less than a week later, but the damage between us was far to extensive to just kiss and makeup, she began a life of her own, one where I didn't fit in the picture, and one in which she would choose to not even remain friends. This is when I think I died inside. I immediately began doing poorly in school, I sat at home living in my own self defeat, and watched as a woman I loved, a pure innocent human being, began a downward spiral of substance abuse, and self destructive behavior that led her to the arms of a man who would abuse her and leave her when she was most vulnerable. Dorian was the opposite of everything that I was, and I feel thats what drew her to him in the first place, the fact he was everything to her I wasn't.

I would continue a path of uncertainty, until the day I walked through the doors of a Doctor by the name of Drina Madden, a woman who would help me change my life, and ultimately teach me what I had forgotten, that who I was, and more importantly what I was capable of, is the only thing I should be concerned with, that my life is to be lived for me, and if she would even think about leaving me for Andy, that she didnt share the intensity of our love in the first place. At that moment Samuel Boyle was reborn, in the glory of my own humanity, I became aware of my strengths, and my weaknesses, and I buried these flaws in my own psyche, I refused to acknowledge the world outside the confines of my own mind and became a one man think tank.

The good Doctor had proven what people had told me my entire life, that I was an intellect on par with members of Menza, and that my mind was my weapon against the world, that I was going to be able to continue living in spite of it all, because my will to live, and ultimately the desire and drive I had to succeed. I matured mentally almost overnight, I abandoned my friends, and began a new life surrounding myself with the brilliant minds present around me. Jai Kang, Joseph Bauml, Matt Thorns, Justin Stubbs, men like these would become the salvation that I was denied, they were people who shared my gifts, and most importantly the ability to realize the flaws present in this world. Now don't believe for a second that I was or am some pussy goth kid who bitches about how the world is just pain, these men and I share a common ability to see the world for what it really is, and have the resources and drive nessecary to change these flaws. In several short months I rose in the academic world, laying my place among the chosen, and in turn, seperating myself into the faction of people who had a future.

What would define me as a person at this time in my life would be several key facts, First that I now denied the notions of sex and more importantly love to enter my thought process. Now statistics say that the average male thinks about sex thousands of times a day, by turning that whole aspect of my mind off, I had achieved the clarity that I had been searching for. Next I began to only associate myself with people with the drive, ambitions, and the means to achieve thier dreams. If you had no direction then you would have no place in the grand future I was planning.

I picked a college sophmore year and was accepted early and with great expectations. I became better friends with people parents, those who could actually benefit me, and by the time I was a senior, I had achieved a high paying distinguished job with a local police department. This cemented my goals of self defintion, but not without sacrifice. In order to secure a future with the department, I had to make tough choices, one of which was to hand my friends over in order to prove where my loyalities rode.

Scott was a close friend to me, and was instrumental in the days that led up to this, but he like andy became corrupt, and his self indulgence and care free behavior allowed me to seal his fate, in a brief instant, I gave him up, and havent looked back since, his corruption and those like him, could not, and would not stop me from achieving my goals. I was emotionless, I was brilliant, and most of all, I was detached from the world, making me in my own right advantaged over those who would defy my will.

Soon after graduation I began a new experience in UIC were I again surrounded myself with people who had what it takes to make thier dreams happen, but people who like me, were pure in existence, people whoses goals and behavior could not or would not be derailed by the actions of others. I had found my element and have remained thier until now, serving myself and the few others worthy enough to hold my trust.

Enter Stephanie. I swore long ago that Terri would be the end, that her betrayal and refusal to accept the future I had offered her, one in which her every desires could have been fulfilled, and one in which she would live in comfort and peace, would prevent me from allowing a member of the fairer sex from clouding my senses, but stephanie is diffrent.

she like me, is driven by her will, she is both sweet in demenor and appearance and possesses wisdom beyond her years, and the ability to apply that wisdom to her life, and she is fiercely loyal to those close to her, but what make her desireable is her ability to be ruthless. Now shes not a raging psycho or anything, but she has what it takes to make it in this life, she knows what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it, and for this reason she will survive.

She has acceptance to her top pick law school, and is already planning her future, she is ahead of the pack and is in no way loosing steam. I am at a loss for words when I see her, I have to ask myself everytime I'm near her, if I can bring myself to talk to her. She is everything Terri wasnt and can never be, wise, determined, and most importantly aware of these things. Her beauty is only matched by her spirit and I would dare say that she boarders beyond facination with me, I can say that I love her for this, and for the first time, I have met someone worthty enough to share what I have built, and what I can offer, and she sees this too.

However she is still with another man, a person who she cares for deeply and could never betray. I only love her more for this, and I can see that she is also loyal unlike Terri who would abandon me in the midst of everything that we shared. I could never ask her to ruin her happiness to be with me, and for this reason I choose to watch and admire her from afar, in the hopes that someday she will be mine.

Until that day I wait, and If Im anything at all, I'm patient, and I will wait forever if I have to, but if you can do the impossible and make me believe again, and this time lay the proof down, you can be damn well sure that Im going to love you and never let you go.

"These are the times that try mens souls: the summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will in this time of crisis, shrink now from this country, but he that stands now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell is not easily conquered, but we have with us the consilation, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain to cheap we esteem to lightly.

Thomas Paine wrote this shortly before the American Revolution, the begining of American history. It was words like these that filled the spirits of the american people, and won them a war. But just as his pamphlet "Common Sense", gave us insight into the importance or independence, it also told us about the nature of morality and the life we should live.

"The heart that feels not now is dead; the blood of his children will curse his cowardice, who shrinks back at a time when a little could have saved the whole, and made them happy. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection." "Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he who's heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death"

This my friends is the way I believe that humans should live, a way, a means, a truth , the goal of which is personal redemption. All of us, at least once in our lives, will be called upon to stand up for what we believe in, and sometimes these descisions will lead us to ostricise our friends and loved ones, cause us to loose our place among those who we respect, but my friends, principles are more important then anything else, it is what we believe in our heart of hearts that makes us unique, and will ultimately define who we are, and what we are.

My friends I ask that you all take my words to heart, someday they may make sense to you, and In that brieft moment, that instant in time, our entire lives will be weighed and counted, make every second count, and remember that we are who we are, because of what we choose to believe.

The easiest things are always the hardest to say, an idea that seemed great and fresh in your mind often seems to disappear the split second we stop focusing on it. Such is life, we loose focus from time to time, and as a result, everything can go to shit on you in a New York Minute.

Point in question:

This evening I rang in St. Patty's day with my closest friend in the world Steve. Since Steve will be a reoccuring topic in my thoughts, I will let you know a little bit about him. He is a young man, but one that I feel is troubled by his own emotions, and a family that I feel could be more supportive of him.

From an early age, Steve being the only boy in his family, has often been shelved in pursuit of the intrests of his sisters. Steve has two sisters, One we will call J and one we will call K, J is a well meaning but misguided girl, she pushes herself hard to acheive her goals, but at the tip of her hat, she will abandon those ideas that make her strong and give into the excess so often demonstrated by people of her age. Be it drinking or non-stop partying with her friends, she has a tendency to fail just as much as she succeeds. Now K on the other hand is an enigma, she is obviously bright, but seeks to be the center of attention in whatever or wherever she happens to be. Perhaps it's her background as a dancer and actress, her friends (all of which I cannot stand) are exactly like her, self centered and unable to see the forest from the trees.

K is the favorite of the family. Steves parents we will call the Mom and Pop for the purpose of this rant, are hipsters, they are very wonderful and social people, who raised children to in theory, make thier own responsible descisions. They have since Steve was an infant, travel all over the country for leisure, leaving steve in the care of grandparents and upon high school, his older sister. When this became common place, the parties began.

And this my friend is where I was tonight. Steves two sisters throw parties in which hundreds of people come to thier home, drink themselves senseless, and then proceed to trash or loot the place until the wee hours of the morning, until the place is cleaned up and the story is generated as to how valuable statutes or other items either disappeared or were found destroyed on the front lawn.

Steves parents trust his younger sister completely, this is the most misplaced and misguided trust I have ever layed eyes on. I have been blessed to live with a family who prides itself on a key point of my studies, the distant closeness. While they support me and my descisions, they still remain close, and when they want to, descend on my life like buzzards on a carcass, on the other hand, Steves parents are just the opposite.

They put so much trust in thier chidren that when a $35,000 dollar statue was destroyed on thier front lawn, their daughter, K a misguided youth one step shy of becoming a full blown alcoholic, wasn't even reprimaned, when she gave a story to it's demise, that was utter bullshit, and later admitted to throwing a party in thier house.

Tonight, Steve's parents were in Florida, and K decided to throw a party in the old family basement. Some of my former co-workers from the video store where I used to work were present, and I attended purely to visit them. I often regret leaving them behind, I recently started a wonderful job with a prominent Chicago suburban police department, the time constraints of which forced me to leave. They as I will probably go into detail later, are some of the most wonderful people, I believe that are left on this planet. But I digress, the party went fine until Steve came to see me with a distressing situation. Steve wanted a friend of his sisters kicked out of his house based on the grounds that he had just witnessed said gentleman, and I use this work lightly, commiting a sex act with his girlfriend in public. This would not stand in my house, and thierfore not in steves so I gathered a posse of some of my usually heavies, including steve and got to work.

Now the man in question was a miserable little shit, filled with courage from his beer balls, and was quickly defended by his cousin, whom was an even bigger dipshit. These two lowlifes had the audacity to insult steve in his own house, and threatened to "kick his ass" now when one guy and his shit cousin, both of which were four sheets PAST the wind, claim to be able to tango with five guys all of whom are sober, and like me, more than able to handle themselves. However when the situation looked like it was going to turn ugly, I backed down and got ready to call in the troops. As a cop, I have no qualms with defending myself in a fight, espically because any asshole who decides to tango with me, is assaulting a officer of the law, and in turn faces jail time, however when the subject is an intoxicated juvenile, the paperwork that would result is double the size of the yellow pages. I left the basement with the promise to steve that if the situation wasn't resolved in two minutes, I was prepared to call in some of the finest that Orland Park had to offer, and in doing so would result in the narcs meeting thier quota for the month. Now this is the last thing steve would want, because he still inspite of the fact shes a total screwup, respects and loves his sister even though she is the cause of the greatest stress in his life.

So I waited until he gave me the all clear and drove home. Now all the way home, I was bitching to myself that I didnt step in, no one has the right to disrespect you in your own home like those two did, but at the same time, I dont want to be the hard ass cop that beat up a druken teenager. I think this was a test for both steve and I, in the sense that steve learned that his sister and her friends are out of control and he cannot trust them any longer to be responsible in his house, and for me, that when I am thinking I should be sticking up for the man who has been to hell and back for me, I should do it, and throw caution to the wind, because the fear of paperwork is a pitance compared to saving face with a man whom I trust with my life, and expect to do the same with me.

The moral of this story is that in life we cannot hesitate to make descisions that impact the lives of those close to us. In situations like these, we must stand up for what we believe in and more importantly who we believe in, and if anyone or anything is going to question, challenge, or seek to destroy or take those things away from us, we must be ready to do things we dont enjoy for the greater good.

I hope you all have gathered something from this, and be assured that thier is more to come.

It Begins Here Ladies and Gentlemen,

Even the most powerful fire begins with a spark, and this will be that spark, In this Blog, I hope to pass on my life experiences to all of you, in hopes that the life I lead, as self righteous as it is, will help all of you understand that change and improvement, begin in the self.