Remember this-that there is a proper dignity and proportion to be observed in the performance of every act of life.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD - 180 AD)
Modesty is a shining light; it prepares the mind to receive knowledge, and the heart for truth.
Madam Guizot
It helps all of us from time to time, to look at ourselves, seperate from the others around us, and deal with a self analysis, that while hard at times, is truly nessecary to really gain a sense of direction in our own lives. It is the business of lesser men to deny thier problems, and I have recognised and addressed many of these in myself. I attempt to improve my quailty of life by being honest with myself and those important to me, but to truly feel better about myself, and better about the world around me, I need to look at that honesty, work with it, and apply it to my day to day life.
I have come to understand that I have a issues with being modest. I have always had a high opinion of myself, I have existed with many positive things running for me throughout my formative years, a clean driving and criminal record, no problems with drinking or drug use, and an excellent academic and professional list of accomplishments. When I sat down last time and looked at my life, I was in high school, I was spending New Years Eve with some of my friends, playing with fireworks, watching them all get drunk, and I had to step back and ask myself, what the hell am I doing?
Right about this time, I recieved the honor and opportunity to work for the Police, it was a simple role as a cadet but I took and still take great pride in that job. I was asked to aide the law, to help make a diffrence in the lives of others, and it filled me with a sense of joy and pride unlike anything else I had or have yet experienced. However, I feel that my new found responsiblities as an employee of the Police, forced me to become over zealous in my life. I quickly abandoned my friends for things they did, my best friend of 5 yrs, I ditched overnight when he and another pal of mine got busted playing strip poker with minors, I just simply didn't want thier actions harming my future with the department. To this day I wonder what could have been if I had stuck by those guys.
I stopped and continue to stop living, obviously not in the physical sense, but I became and still am semi-reclusive, I don't want the horrors of the outside world, tainting my outlook on life. I became very selective about who I associated myself with and why, I matured emotionally and mentally overnight, I had a responsiblity now, for the first time in my life, it clicked that I had finally found what I was destined to do, I was meant to enforce the law, and with that protect and improve the lives of others, and I wasn't going to allow anyone to change that, if they weren't on the Sam Boyle bandwagon of doing the right thing all the time, I wasn't going to be involved with them or even associate myself with them, I and my future were to important to waste, "So Much Wasted, And An Emptiness Fills My Heart" lyrics to a great song, but words that stick in my mind, why was this so important to me, that I could and would ruin my chance at happiness, loose my social skills, and begin to see the awfullness and evil inside people, judge them and associate their worth in a matter of seconds, Why?
but here I have seen the error of my ways. I should never have questioned this, everything happens for a reason, and time wasted on what if's is time wasted in general.
People my age I guess are supposed to spend thier days getting drunk and high, having meaningless sex, and living on the edge, speeding in thier cars, making snap descisions without future goals and objectives in mind, and most importantly, not care about tommorow and live for today.
But I have always and still view myself as cut from a diffrent cloth than the rest of the world, I think that my morals and ethics are who I am, I have stated before, I am who I am because of what I choose to believe, and I do believe.
I believe, that my life, the choices that I have made, and the bridges I have built and burned are for the best, I cannot invision why I would dream of getting high and achieving "higher understanding", get drunk and make an ass out of myself, or go out and get some girl in the prime of her life pregnant, why I would take assine risks for personal enjoyment, and why I would choose to risk everything I have, and everything I have worked for, on a life more suiting to social "norms".
I guess this problem isn't me even being modest, it's that I should be humble, but thiers no reason to, I understand that I am diffrent, and I'm more than excepting of that, because I love what I am. I'm happy that I can have a positive, meaningful relationship with a woman without sex getting in the way, that I can have a rich and fulfilling life without substance abuse, and that I am genuine honest, law abiding citizen. I have never been one for pranks, I feel bad truly about the pain they can inflict on others, and I view the time wasted on them as truly lost, nothing can be gained from the suffering of others, I have learned that, and while I get angry, and express that often, It's because I'm angry at the entire world as well as myself, I'm angry for not acting, I'm angry for the evil that men do, and most importantly, I'm angered towards their lack of concern and indiffrence towards it.
I'm celebate, purely by choice, I would rather be in love than faking that I care about someone to get in thier pants, I have never been like that, and never will. I am drug free because I want nothing in this world affecting my clarity, getting in the way of my pure, unclouded thoughts. And finally I respect the law, order, and rights of the society I live in, because I believe in them, not the inherent self rightness of my own actions, If something is wrong, I can't make myself pretend that it is not, I won't attempt to justify it because I want to do what I feel like doing. This leads to the greatest aspect of what it is that I hate about the world, the lack of faith, respect and understanding people have in me and the work I undertake.
I get shit everyday from my family and friends about my job, I'm a trainee, and I love it, wheter they respect my work, I could care less, but they have no right making fun of me because I often get tasked with things that most people do not want to have to do, I get coffee for my commanding officers, I handle traffic accidents, and I deal with animal control, but even if they think I and my job is some kind of goddamned joke, I take pride in my work, because I didn't come to the department, they came to me, they want me to succeed and they are supportive of my efforts and the methods in which I eleviate thier own stress. I am the low man on the totem pole, I understood that when I took the job, but people need to understand that I am trusted with duties and privledges that others are not afforded in thier own life. I am resposible for thousands of dollars worth of equipment, for seeing to the needs of a community and the people who protect it, and most importantly, I am given the honor of making a diffrence in someone elses life, anyone can spend thier days calling names and cracking jokes, but when people are filling your neighborhood with drugs, gangs, and guns and the guy next door is beating on his wife, it's the people I assist that come and deal with the rest of the worlds dirty laundry, their taking the risk for you, and if you continue to treat them and myself like some kind of joke, try to invision what a world without them would be.
Everyone would be out of control, and you all know it. I handle the bullshit for the department, I run thier errands, I answer ridiculious calls, address peoples cares and concerns at town meetings, and I go to court, so that when you have a problem, someone else, isn't tied up doing everyone elses laundry. If I'm not thier, everything I do, has to be done by someone else, my community is crime free, because the officers that protect it, are firm, fair, and vigilant, they enforce the laws as they are written, thier is no grey area, they are upfront, respectful, and supportive of the community, and they spend 99% of thier time on the streets working to prevent crime, not just respond to it. They have the time for all of this because I afford it to them, I make sure their is gas in thier cars, that their paperwork is 100% and that needs are taken care of so that yours can be, while I not out playing cops and robbers all day, I know in my heart and mind that the work I do makes a diffrence to them, so they can make a diffrence to you, and if you think I'm still a joke thats your opinion, because I feel great about what it is that I do, what it means to my employers, and the opportunities that it affords me.
I guess in close, the world can learn a leason or two from me, that you have to do whats right for you, but more importantly, whats right for others, because alone we are weak, together are strong, but we can only be strong together when we understand that our actions in life often are wrong if they don't have everyones best intrests and desires behind them.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD - 180 AD)
Modesty is a shining light; it prepares the mind to receive knowledge, and the heart for truth.
Madam Guizot
It helps all of us from time to time, to look at ourselves, seperate from the others around us, and deal with a self analysis, that while hard at times, is truly nessecary to really gain a sense of direction in our own lives. It is the business of lesser men to deny thier problems, and I have recognised and addressed many of these in myself. I attempt to improve my quailty of life by being honest with myself and those important to me, but to truly feel better about myself, and better about the world around me, I need to look at that honesty, work with it, and apply it to my day to day life.
I have come to understand that I have a issues with being modest. I have always had a high opinion of myself, I have existed with many positive things running for me throughout my formative years, a clean driving and criminal record, no problems with drinking or drug use, and an excellent academic and professional list of accomplishments. When I sat down last time and looked at my life, I was in high school, I was spending New Years Eve with some of my friends, playing with fireworks, watching them all get drunk, and I had to step back and ask myself, what the hell am I doing?
Right about this time, I recieved the honor and opportunity to work for the Police, it was a simple role as a cadet but I took and still take great pride in that job. I was asked to aide the law, to help make a diffrence in the lives of others, and it filled me with a sense of joy and pride unlike anything else I had or have yet experienced. However, I feel that my new found responsiblities as an employee of the Police, forced me to become over zealous in my life. I quickly abandoned my friends for things they did, my best friend of 5 yrs, I ditched overnight when he and another pal of mine got busted playing strip poker with minors, I just simply didn't want thier actions harming my future with the department. To this day I wonder what could have been if I had stuck by those guys.
I stopped and continue to stop living, obviously not in the physical sense, but I became and still am semi-reclusive, I don't want the horrors of the outside world, tainting my outlook on life. I became very selective about who I associated myself with and why, I matured emotionally and mentally overnight, I had a responsiblity now, for the first time in my life, it clicked that I had finally found what I was destined to do, I was meant to enforce the law, and with that protect and improve the lives of others, and I wasn't going to allow anyone to change that, if they weren't on the Sam Boyle bandwagon of doing the right thing all the time, I wasn't going to be involved with them or even associate myself with them, I and my future were to important to waste, "So Much Wasted, And An Emptiness Fills My Heart" lyrics to a great song, but words that stick in my mind, why was this so important to me, that I could and would ruin my chance at happiness, loose my social skills, and begin to see the awfullness and evil inside people, judge them and associate their worth in a matter of seconds, Why?
but here I have seen the error of my ways. I should never have questioned this, everything happens for a reason, and time wasted on what if's is time wasted in general.
People my age I guess are supposed to spend thier days getting drunk and high, having meaningless sex, and living on the edge, speeding in thier cars, making snap descisions without future goals and objectives in mind, and most importantly, not care about tommorow and live for today.
But I have always and still view myself as cut from a diffrent cloth than the rest of the world, I think that my morals and ethics are who I am, I have stated before, I am who I am because of what I choose to believe, and I do believe.
I believe, that my life, the choices that I have made, and the bridges I have built and burned are for the best, I cannot invision why I would dream of getting high and achieving "higher understanding", get drunk and make an ass out of myself, or go out and get some girl in the prime of her life pregnant, why I would take assine risks for personal enjoyment, and why I would choose to risk everything I have, and everything I have worked for, on a life more suiting to social "norms".
I guess this problem isn't me even being modest, it's that I should be humble, but thiers no reason to, I understand that I am diffrent, and I'm more than excepting of that, because I love what I am. I'm happy that I can have a positive, meaningful relationship with a woman without sex getting in the way, that I can have a rich and fulfilling life without substance abuse, and that I am genuine honest, law abiding citizen. I have never been one for pranks, I feel bad truly about the pain they can inflict on others, and I view the time wasted on them as truly lost, nothing can be gained from the suffering of others, I have learned that, and while I get angry, and express that often, It's because I'm angry at the entire world as well as myself, I'm angry for not acting, I'm angry for the evil that men do, and most importantly, I'm angered towards their lack of concern and indiffrence towards it.
I'm celebate, purely by choice, I would rather be in love than faking that I care about someone to get in thier pants, I have never been like that, and never will. I am drug free because I want nothing in this world affecting my clarity, getting in the way of my pure, unclouded thoughts. And finally I respect the law, order, and rights of the society I live in, because I believe in them, not the inherent self rightness of my own actions, If something is wrong, I can't make myself pretend that it is not, I won't attempt to justify it because I want to do what I feel like doing. This leads to the greatest aspect of what it is that I hate about the world, the lack of faith, respect and understanding people have in me and the work I undertake.
I get shit everyday from my family and friends about my job, I'm a trainee, and I love it, wheter they respect my work, I could care less, but they have no right making fun of me because I often get tasked with things that most people do not want to have to do, I get coffee for my commanding officers, I handle traffic accidents, and I deal with animal control, but even if they think I and my job is some kind of goddamned joke, I take pride in my work, because I didn't come to the department, they came to me, they want me to succeed and they are supportive of my efforts and the methods in which I eleviate thier own stress. I am the low man on the totem pole, I understood that when I took the job, but people need to understand that I am trusted with duties and privledges that others are not afforded in thier own life. I am resposible for thousands of dollars worth of equipment, for seeing to the needs of a community and the people who protect it, and most importantly, I am given the honor of making a diffrence in someone elses life, anyone can spend thier days calling names and cracking jokes, but when people are filling your neighborhood with drugs, gangs, and guns and the guy next door is beating on his wife, it's the people I assist that come and deal with the rest of the worlds dirty laundry, their taking the risk for you, and if you continue to treat them and myself like some kind of joke, try to invision what a world without them would be.
Everyone would be out of control, and you all know it. I handle the bullshit for the department, I run thier errands, I answer ridiculious calls, address peoples cares and concerns at town meetings, and I go to court, so that when you have a problem, someone else, isn't tied up doing everyone elses laundry. If I'm not thier, everything I do, has to be done by someone else, my community is crime free, because the officers that protect it, are firm, fair, and vigilant, they enforce the laws as they are written, thier is no grey area, they are upfront, respectful, and supportive of the community, and they spend 99% of thier time on the streets working to prevent crime, not just respond to it. They have the time for all of this because I afford it to them, I make sure their is gas in thier cars, that their paperwork is 100% and that needs are taken care of so that yours can be, while I not out playing cops and robbers all day, I know in my heart and mind that the work I do makes a diffrence to them, so they can make a diffrence to you, and if you think I'm still a joke thats your opinion, because I feel great about what it is that I do, what it means to my employers, and the opportunities that it affords me.
I guess in close, the world can learn a leason or two from me, that you have to do whats right for you, but more importantly, whats right for others, because alone we are weak, together are strong, but we can only be strong together when we understand that our actions in life often are wrong if they don't have everyones best intrests and desires behind them.
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